Cooking programs

I hate cooking programs!!
I hate them because, although I enjoy watching them on a Saturday morning, when there is F all else to watch... I get hungry & want to cook the things that catch my eye..

Only thing is.. They are bloody liers!
It isn't a 'quick dish'.!!
A quick dish, is something I can make in a few minutes.. Like Omlette!!

How about a phonecall the day before.. Tell me what your making, so I can get the ingrediants!!
Coz, now, its mid morning on Saturday, i'm fucking starving, thamks to you & although I have food, I dont have the bloody food your making!
So, now I have to go down the shops & buy the stuff.. That takes an hour because, anybody knows, you can't just get what you need.. You might not know you need something until you see it.. So you have to zig-zag your way through the aisles.. Doubling back know & then, becasue the fuckers have swapped it all around again!!!

When I finally do get home & start cooking, I look in the oven.. But theres no pre-prepared chicken, like when the looj in their oven, having only just made it?!
I though this was part of the deal.. You make it, then before you cook it, you put it to one side, open the oven & theres the finished version!!!

So, now this 'quick!!! Dish!!!', is three hours in, my stomachs chewing on my intestines for sustinance & finally, my version of this allegedly 'quick dish' is done...

I sit down.. Tuck in &... Errrrr...
Its disgusting!! Even the Cat turns its nise up, like: Oh no, thats not even food anymore!!

So thats why I hate them!!
Why not, just show me how to make Ceriel.. Or Toast, covered in butter!!
Bastards!

Modern Armed Forces

These days... The younger generations communicate almost soley by social media, text & BB..
No longer do they call, leave a message on the answer phone saying call back.. Insteas they text & say txt back..

Thing is, in the not so distant future we're in danger of having an Armed Forces that will have adopted these text slang inti their communication.

No longer will soldiers speaking on walky talkys say:
'over'
They'll say:
'lol'

Ways to Burn Calories

I read an article today... 7 ways to burn 100calories..
(god i'm getting old, calling a page in 'Mens Fitness magazine' an article)!

The fastest, at 5minutes: Running
The slowest, at 51 minutes:Sex.

But in fact, I think they have this slightly wrong...

Firstly, most men..
Do all the physical work, despite the widely agreed statement, that they: 'don't clean the oven before sticking their Baguette inside'..

So, I presume in the Female Fitness magazine, a similar article might say Sex can burn 100 Calories in 3hours..

And actualy, whilst pretty much everyone can handle running for 5minutes (except Stephen Hawkins, although I bet he could have before he was confined to his Talky Walky Wheelchair, which FYI, was soo because Aliens probed a little too hard!!)..
Most able bodied men can manage it, but with Sex, they'd be lucky to last 51minutes over the course of a month!!

Stephen Hawkins doesn't have to worry about that... He'll obviously just pay someone to do his wife whislt wearing a Stephen Hawkin facemask....

Whitney Houston

Is it too early to reveal why Whitney Houston actually died??

Two words for you....
Bruce... Forsyth....
The old King of UK TV, has been secretly sucking the youth from other starts for years...

If you pay attention, you begin to find the pattern...
Heath Ledger dies = Bruce Forsyths takes in extra TV work...
Micheal Jacksin dies = Bruce Forsyth appears on more chat shows, flaunting new dance moves!?

Spa Etiquette ~ Old man G-string

If there is ever a time when the devils work of Text speak should be used.. It's now... OMG!
Seriously, I joined this gym recently, to get in shape & enjoy the delights of their 'Spa' facilities...
What I didn't bank on, nor did I ever think possible...
An Old Man, with the uncanny ability to clear the Jacuzzi just by his presence!...

I couldn't comment on whether he's ugly & he doesn't have the usual old man smell (dried out wee)...
He doe's have got a belly on him & is near 6ft tall.... Must be 60-70 years old or so....

Yet he wears an array of flamboyant ~ male, Speedo G-strings!!!!

It's a sight!! Which despite the horror ~ you struggle not to look at....
A mirage of disgust, wonder & oddly ~ joy?.. come over you...
I defy anyone who see's this, not to smile... You can't help but grin, like the Pope at a Pre-School!!!

It's like sneezing with your eyes open.... you just can't ~ it's impossible!!
Well unless you don't have eyelids?
Chances are though, if you don't have eyelids, your eyes would just pop out!
Might explain why you don't see anyone eyelid-less...!!??

You know what...
If I ran the gym, I'd promote him as an attraction... £15 per person..
People would come from far & wide, just to bare witness to this clearly disturbing, yet satisfactory sight!!

I said before, about his uncanny ability to clear the Jacuzzi, just by his presence...
The G-String thing, most people can cope with, once he's under the water, you can forget about it.. sort of...
But, not only doe's this OAP wear a disturbing Leopard Print G-String...
No, no, no... that would be too.... normal...
He has to take his abuse of Gym Etiquette to completely new level!!

When he enters the Jacuzzi ~ he opts to position himself in the area were you can lay down...
I myself, enjoy laying on my back, closing my eyes & relaxing, whilst the water bubbles around me....
He ~ lays on his front!!
One presumes, the vigorous bubbles tickle his old wrinkly ball-sack!?
But, what makes it worse...
(which by the way every person who's witnessed this, now has etched onto their memories....)
Is the sight of his bare cheeks... sticking out of the water...
With only the thin G-String.. string.. to cover his crack... You need to wash yourself after just to feel clean!

It's like he gets a kick from knowing everyone has seen his package & tries to finish himself off by letting the bubbles get to work on his member, whilst he moves, slowly, up & down, in a feeble attempt to hide what he's doing!! He knows the recommended time for Jacuzzi is 20minutes & he goes to town...

Anyone with sense, get's the fuck out!!
Let's face it.. it's uncomfortable seeing what I've describe.... But worse, not being able to look away!!
Worse than that... nobody wants to sit in a Jacuzzi full of OAP Jizz!!!! do they?!!

At the end of the day, I can't say I blame him....
When your paying £70 a month to use the facilities...
I guess, the least the Jacuzzi should do, is relax you like a Thai massage parlour does!!

Amsterdam

If you go to Amsterdam, your either Smoke'n or Poke'n.....

Pay-Out to Asylum Seekers

£1m awarded to 40 child Asylum seekers, because they were detained as adults?!! Thats £25k each.. If they're children, just give them sweets as compensation!

I know why, because theres a bunch of high paid lawyers making a living of the increasing trend.. Funny that another £1m was paid for charges incurred...

Guardian news paper link:
http://m.guardian.co.uk/uk/2012/feb/17/home-office-payout-child-asylum-seekers?cat=uk&type=article

When did the good old British apology get thrown out the window?
Seemingly for large payouts?!
Ironic, that, we're known for being Hugh Grant like, polite & apologetic about anything.... Know we're regulary giving cash prizes to Asylum seekers, if they find the right lawer!

Whats the difference in being detained as an adult anyway?
Most kids around the ages of 14-16 want to been seen as adults...
They'd get to stay up past bedtime, play 18 rated games on the PS3s supplied by tax payers & swear as much as they like!!

Internet slang

Spam..
When did Britains staple nutrition foodsource get given an alter-ego?Did someone dislike it that much, theu'd use it's innocent name as an internet/email slang word, meaning: annoying dribble that I defo don't want again!!

Can't see why they'd pick on poor old spam!!
Remember the wonderfully catchy adverts: "Spam Spam...."
Yeah I don't remember them either, because I'm not... Old as fuck!!

Why spam?
And who chose all these termanlogies?
Were they just sitting around, brainstorming termanlogies, whilst also planning a roadtrip & someone pipped up with:
"lets use maps spelt backwards for all the crap that comes through: Spam!"

Why not just call it: Crap??

Horror Movies

You know what gets my goat?!  Horror movies...

I haven't watched one for years.. you know why?... Because I sit there thinking, is it fuck would i do that!!

Who in their right mind, goes into a house, realises all the lights are off & doesn't just call Southern electric?!!

TV dramas = Sick, sick people...

You know what gets my goat... TV soap dramas....
What has the UKs women & gay or 'feminine side aware' men come too, with their interest in soaps?
To me, British soaps are ripping off the very meaning of irony...
When, the way to keep viewer numbers high & the show alive, you have to constantly kill your characters off!

Can onone in the village just have a normal, safe life without some major adversity & it doesn't take long for some new family to come along, move into their house & suddenly all is forgotten & more juicy plots go on..
We're breeding some real sickos!! Who can only enjoy a soap, with a good underhand lie & gruesome death!
I call these people.. The Soap people... They feed off the adversity within these programs & enjoy the terrible stories told...

Labels

Straights - Gay - Bent - Disabled - Special - White - Black - Smoker - Vegan - Criminal

It's seems lately that so many people have piped up in protest against being labelled...
But the fact is: Human beings label everything..
We have to.. It's instinct... a way to know & communicate what something is..

For as long as I can remember the gay/homosexual community, have fought hard for recognition & respect... They don't want negative labels or recognition... Which has left me confused about what 'label' they want, because they don't want to be labelled, I just don't know which term is the best or least offensive!!
If your straight - you get labelled straight... but the opposite of straight is either bent or... not straight..
So, if we shouldn't say gay...or say bent... Should we say... not straight??

I find it funny that when your part of a labelled group, it's easy for you to self deprecate your similar kind...
It's easier, sometimes for others, looking from the outside in, to pick up on the idiosyncrasies & mock them.. 

Thing is, it's part of our nature to gossip & mock..
It's our way of interacting with our world & the things in it..
We each share some mutual views & some that are not the same, that's the beauty of being human...


Can you imagine a world without possible negative labels? How would we identify criminals?
Do we call them 'Morally Challenged'?


What if we had to call Paedophiles something else....Something less negative.. We have homosexuals, bisexuals, hetrosexuals... Now we'd have to add Kiddysexuals....

One of the more awkward ones, is the many different types if disabilities.. We go warm to the idea it's too taboo to hit on... & step lightly when making fun of anything in this area.. But the truth is... I believe, finding the humour in something/everything, should be a way for people in that 'label' to relate to & find funnier than anyone... You might not have the balls to admit it, but when you come across someone who is commonly labelled as 'special', the type of person whos disability  has extravagant & vocal outbursts... Even if you have the common decency to reframe from laughing, the little, probably childish side of you, laughs inside..
They just bring a odd encounter to your day & crack a smile/belly laugh... It's very hard not to...

Telephones pre millenium

What did we do before the 'techey age' took over our lives?
Now-days, changing our telephone number is done on a yearly basis & by some miracle, we are able to contact the people in our phonebook before we change it, providing them with the new number..

Any pre 90's babies will remember you couldn't do that with your landline...
You'd have to actually call them with the new number, on the new number &  if they didn't answer, you left a 'message on the answer machine', the term, voicemail had yet to be dubbed..
(Pre 90's babies, we are no officially old!!)
These messages, usually sounded completely fake, as you reeled off your number from a piece of paper & if you got it wrong, you had no choice but to carry on or call-back apologise & try again!!
If they didn't have voicemail, well... you had to wait & try agian..!! imagine that!

If they had caller id, they might notice a missed call... to check it, they either had to know it, go through their phonebook or actually call it in the suspense to who it might be!! Now that was always an awkward conversation... We all know th phonecall protocal,, ''don't give up your name before the other person!''
call-e: Hello..
caller: Hello.. Whos this?
call-e: err..you called me?! Who's this?
caller: No, you called me?
call-e: No I didn't? Did I? When? Not just now? Did I? Pretty sure you called me!
caller: No, no, no... I called you now.. You called me earlier.. your number was on my caller ID?
call-e: You sure it was me, not someone else?
caller: Well.. I don't know.. Who else is there?
call-e: err...No-one... Its just me here...
caller: So why ask if it could have been someone else calling from your phonenumber?
call-e: I dunno... Maybe it was a burgler?
caller: Really!!? Have you been broken into?
call-e: No... I've been in all day...
caller: So, a burgler broke in, without a trace, sneeked around you & made 1 phonecall from your phone?!
call-e: How do you know they only made 1 phonecall?
caller: Really, thats the part that seems likely to you?!
call-e: Why not? Maybe they dialled the wrong number?
caller: So, they broke in without a trace, took nothing, got the number wrong, made a number of phonecalls..
call-e: I didn't say they made a number of phone call.. they probably just dialled the wrong digits first time. Who dials a number wrong twice?.. when you didn't answer, they tried again & dialled the right number?
caller: So, their in your house, making calls? Why would they call somone again?
call-e: For a getaway?
caller: Let me get this straight, they are calling for a Getaway, from an untraceable break-in, when they haven't stolen anything? But they dialled the number wrong.. Why bother breaking in, in the first place?
call-e: If I knew that, I'd be the burgler! What a stupid question!
caller: Oh, I get it, this is just a wind-up.. Isn't it...
call-e: How? You called me... How do I know your not winding me up...?
caller: Why would anyone call to wind you up, by saying, you called me?
call-e: Well... that's exactly what someone trying to wind me up would say!!
caller: Arguably, it's also what someone not winding you up would say! & anyway, you called me... Listen, have you called anyone today?
call-e: Yes
caller: right, we're getting somewhere.... Who did you call...
call-e: Everyone...
caller: Everyone!! really, you know everyone... Did you call the pope?!
call-e: No, why would I call the pope?
caller: Well, you said you called everyone!!
call-e: But why the pope? Why  not Michael Jackson?
caller: Well if you called everyone, you would have called him too...
call-e: But I didn't call him either!
caller: So you can't have called everyone then!!
call-e: Well, no... I called everyone in my phonebook..
caller: So whos in your phonebook
call-e: I'm not gunna tell you that...
caller: Why, what do you think I'm gunna do with a bunch of names?! Steal them!! Listen, why don't you tell me who you are, so we can't get this over with...
call-e:
caller: So why don't you just answer the phone with your name?
call-e: Because then they know my name & they win
caller: Whats wrong with knowing your name... just tell me your name
call-e: You called me, give me your name first....
caller: Tell you what.. Why don't we say our names after 3.... ready...
call-e: yeah
caller: right.. 1...
call-e: wait wait wait... do we say it on three... or just after
caller: we say it just after 3..
call-e: so on the 4th count?
caller: lets just say it on 3.. yeah... ready..
call-e: ready
caller: 1...2...3...
together::: +++++++++++++
(( then at that time, the two conflicting voices would coagulate in the middle of nowhere, both ends hearing only their own voice!!!))