White socks

Aspiring Comedian::: Admits to wearing white socks with black shoes... ''If your against it, your clearly against bi-racial relations & thus a racist!''

No I'D.. your not getting on

Aspiring Young British Comedian::: well.. I say young.. 3 years from 30!! So, despite my boyish, pasty looks... more of a man now really!!
Although, I still get asked for ID!! puts a smile on my face...
Which shows my wrinkles!!
Unless I've forgot it, then it puts a frown on my face... more bloody wrinkles!!! urghh!!

Wouldn't be such a problem as I'm a bit of an old fart anyway.. but the whole reason I need my I'D is too check I'm at the airport!! I let out a loud shreek & my face goes sort of purple at this point!!
Not frustraition or anger.. PAIN!! from my Fiancee kicking me in the nuts!!

Eco Moisturiser Slogan

Save on bottled moisturiser, use cum...
"Rub one out, and rub it on"

Wordplay...

So..I went to this sandwich shop...
Seen this Fella-Fell...
Never seen one before, so I ordered it..
Was scrumptious.

Wordplay...

So..I went to this sandwich shop...
Seen this Fella-Fell...
Never seen one before, so I ordered it..
Was scrumptious.

Pub names

The Slug & Lettuce
should be: The Slag & Let-us-finger-ya

The Raynard
should be: The Retard

The Real China

Just seen a shop called: The Real China.
Slightly ambitious!!
Claiming the Country of China is less real!!

You know its summer

You know its summer when:
Pikeys aka Gypsies, stop wearing tracksuit bottoms with shiny black shoes...
And start wearing shorts... With shiny black shoes!!

Craig Thomas

My name is Craig Thomas, I'm a fairly local lad... well, man now really..
3 years from thirty!!
But I have young skin... so I get away with saying I'm 24...
Although, I do still get asked for ID...
Which puts a smile on my face...
Unless I've forgotten my ID...
Then there's a mix of frustration & embarrassment on my face...
Which has at times been is worse, because, like everyone else around me, we're checking our baggage in at the airport!!
Then my face is all red...
Not so much from the embarrassment or frustration... mostly because my Fiancee just kicked me in the nuts!!

Nighttime Erections

Aparent Fact:
An average man will have 8 erections whilst sleeping per night..

No wonder I wake up tired, busy having an erection every hour!!
What do women do? That's my question!
Brings us back to that old argument: men can't multi-task.. Well excuse me, we're multitasking whilst we're asleep!
Sleeping & Erections.. Women can't do that

Buying a house... Penis Paranoia

Buying a house.
I know, I can see some of you going, fuck off he looks about 12 years old!! He shouldn't even be up this late!! And I bet he has a really small penis.
(Laugh)
What I love about that sentence is, although you all now are seeing me naked, with my small penis waving at you.. (comedy wave) // not that I've got a small Willy (nervious laugh).. its perfectly fine...

The best thing is: All the men who also think they have small penis whilst laughing now, are unaware of the phycological mindfuck I've just let loose... Because next time they go to the gym or the beach or get out the pool & their trunk hug a little too well..
Their gunna be massively self concious & paranoid that everyone's laughing about them & their little Willy wonker!!
Which now, I've set thay thought up, will be doubly as effective!!

Not that men should be bothered by it... Well unless it is freakishly small, like baby carrot, or, or, midget pinky toe (wee wee & went all the way back into its foreskin)!!

We shouldn't make fun of it really, some people out there do actually have willys like that.. I mean, to be fair, women can be pretty nasty about the size of a man's penis...Even when they try to tell you, its not the size of the rock, its how you throw it that counts... A tiny alarm bell goes off in mans brain!! Big flashing neon red lights that say SMALL COCK! SMALL COCK!..

I dunno what's worse.. the small skinny ones.. or those stumpy ones that look like New Potatoes (lemon voice)...
Really, we shouldn't make fun of it...
But. By fuck it us funny..

For me, I've come to terms with the size if my penis.. I'll neither confirm nor deny I have a small penis.. that waves at people!

What I will say is, it fits into most holes!!
And I'll say this, whatever holes your thinking it'll fit into says more about how sick you are, than it does about the size of my cock... (Poss pick on someone.. make up what sick thing they thought, or ask)..

At he end of the day, the way I came to terms with my penis size, was the realisation that it wasnt like it was much if a secret anymore...
My fiancee sees it all time.. So do my cats (bestiality reference?)..
Plenty of girls have seen it!
Oh god, that sounds like I stand outside school gates & flash little girls..
I mean, plenty of older women have seen it!!
Oh fuck, now that sounds like I go to old peoples homes, knock their ground floor windows & squash it up against the glass, like some sort of roadkill worm!!.. err snake.. I mean snake (mimic small, then hesitate to large)...

The most desturbing part of that, is why my reference is so vividly detailed & the fact by now, you probably wouldnt put it past me...

Religious insanity

You know what I don't get about religious nut jobs.. you know who I mean don't you.. the sort that do something evil, like:
Kill a celebraty,
Shoot up a school,
Murder their wife.... (Well I think most men could relate with that one!!.. And there's a point to be made with this choice, but I'll get back to it...).

What i don't get is, when it comes to questioning them, they get asked why and they say because god told me to it for blah blah, some crazy phyco babble reason..
Then, from time to time, they are asked how he spoke to them, which gets answered with where & when, but I've yet to see a time when someone actually question.the way in which god allegedly asked them...
The defendant will no doubt at some point say a simple sentance, like: he told me I should kill her...

That isn't enough.. I'd wanna know how he spoke... Was his voice deep? Soft? Did it have an evil cackle at the end? Did God, somehow make his voice sound like their own voice!?
In fact, i'd wanna know the exact wording, punctuation & phrases he used...
The guy apparently created everything, which would include language & I'd suspect being an old as fuck fart, he'd still speak like Shakespeare's plays read!!
If he speaks normal & uses current phrases, like: "that bitch be a hoe, you should put a cap in her ass", although the initial idea that God told ya to do it is funda-mentally flawed (this would further suggest it just their own crazy ass mind)!!

Oh yeah, that point I said I'd make later on.... well, I've forgotten it, but, fear not, I have cunjoured another....
The whole idea God could speak to you & order you to kill your wife is insane...
Paradoxically, women do have the knack of driven men insane...
So, isn't their fault!?

To Death do us Part

People don't think about this, but you should consider making legal arrangments & wills to ensure your family is covered should you pass away..
Extra thought should be given to one thing in particular.. Banning your wife from dating/marrying someone with the same name as you...
Same goes for children & other family.or close friends.. Because otherwise at some point the new Craig will be known as Craig & you'll be known as dead Craig.

Finding your Car in the Carpark, like the movies

Everyone's watched those films, where the guy robs a bunch of keys from some hooks & then steps out into the big carpark, pressing the first too, before the third opens a car about 6 metres away, right in the corner, tucked away, leaving the guys seconds to get in, go & scrape past his persuers vehicles & away!!
Trouble withtl these types of films, they often have very plausible plots are are totally believable..Firstly, when was the last time you trusted your key to a guy in a windowed office within the carpark!!??
Secondly, when was the last time your key fob worked that far away from your car?!
Shit, my one seems only to work when its close enough to get a static shock!!
Mind you, we aught to be grateful, if a situation did arise & our keys were used to find a getaway car, they'd sooner chuck them & use another...

I'd like to see a new type of hero escaping in the same way... Only, he'd be like Stevie Wonder.... But his other senses could tell which key belongs to which car, just his time consuminh, edge of the seat moments would be when he's stumbling towards the car, bumping into other cars, setting alarms of, yet somehow can drive like a demon, dodge the persuers vehicle, out the carpark & crash through a Chinese Takeaway...
The cut scene showing the Chinese owner cursing, waving his spoon, whilst the Hero gets away on his trusted sidekick, Specky the guide dog Doberman with the one liner: "Dem Som angry Chinese!!"

Growing old with Vaseline

As you get older, for so many people.. They have a secret & sometimes weirdly intimate relationship with Vaseline..
But when people find it in your bathroom cupboard, does it give them the right to rub it in?!
#DoubleMeaning!!

Voxer App People Snaps