Guardian: Boris Johnson: Poor Schools caused riots

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/mar/23/boris-johnson-bad-schools-london-riots?fb=native

Here's another great quote from the wise Mayor of London:
''Poor Schools helped cause the riots''
So what he saying is: poor Schools, organised the riots, so the kids would steal stuff & put it into the Schools?

He went on to say that he believed, some Schools in London were:
''Chillingly bad''
I think what he means is, some London Schools are really good at chilling?

Boris then added that:
''It is unacceptable to have 55% of black men unemployed''
So is he saying he'd like to increase that number?
Or, did you notice how obviously Pro Male he is, not even mentioning the Female unemployed..

You gotta love good old Boris...

On the Pull

Back in the days of singleton street, a select few of us thought we had the perfect pick up line..
In fact, it wasn't a line as such.. More of a story.. A fabricated life, designed to aid our pulling power!!
Sure, some people say it's all just lies..
And yeah.. Most of it was.. But we lived those lies like our own life!!
We realised early on, that our current jobs were not that impressive & it clearly states in the 'Book of Male Ego':  ''One must have an impressive job role, if one is to nail some pussey''..

One night, at Jakes house,
(which, fyi, soo wasn't a sleepover! coz now we were older, those are only for girls or gayboys!)..
We all put our pillows & covers down on the front-room floor, facing each other, so it was easier to chat..
After Jakes Mum had made us some Hot Chocolate, we got the pen & paper out, ready to plan...

By the end of the night & after several breaks, one of which, we discovered that actually, the average size of the males in this house, was about the same as FHM predicted..
We had the finished article..
Some role play ensued, to iron out any hick-ups or forgetful facts & once that was done, it was time to test drive our alter-egos on the sea of vagina, whose tides rise on a Saturday night...

We quickly found or first pray & here is how the conversation went:
Jake: '' Hi ladies, how are you tonight?''
Ladies: ''Fine thanks''
Jake: ''So, me & my friends here were just talking about how gorgeous you are, your not models are you?''
Ladies: ''Listen, we're gunna stop you right there buddy, were lesbians & we're not interested, so piss off!!''

Ouch!! Didn't go so well did it!?
How are they gunna fall for us if we can't even tell them our alter egos story!
In fact how are we gunna pull, if we can't even tell if they are straight!!

We dusted ourselves off & proceeded to peruse the club for our next targets.
Soon enough we found enough of our battered courage & picked it up off the floor,
at which point we spotted our next challenge... Heres how it went:
Me: ''Hi there, you mind if we join you lovely ladies?''
Ladies: ''Actually yes.. we do.. Were having a ladies only night tonight..''
Me: ''Well, next time, just stay at home.. It makes our lives that much more difficult!! But then I bet you get a kick out of that don't you.. you.. you.. prick teasing hoers!!''

With that, I got a well deserved slap in the face & we retreated to the bar to lick our wounded egos.
I got it in the neck for going off on one for no reason & after a few more drinks, we went at it again..
Although in fairness, we lowered our bare significantly, to, fatties...

Jake: ''Hi ladies''
Ladies: ''Hi''
Jake: ''So you girls from around here?''
Ladies: ''No, were from Reading''
Jake: ''Oh yeah, what do you do in Reading''
Ladies: ''Not much, just work & then go out on the weekend''
Jake: ''So what do you do for work?''
Ladies: ''Just office stuff, boring really, what do you guys do?''
(( Finally, our big moment had come, we could test our alter ego creation out & wow the ladies...))
Jake: ''We work for the Government, can't tell you too much, all very hush hush''
Ladies: ''Ooohh, so your like a bunch of James Bonds or something?''
Jake: ''You could say that.. In fact, we can't even talk to people without them being checked out first..''
(( oh no.. Jake has got excited & veered off course, the conversation was doomed..))
Ladies: ''Oh? Really? So how is it you can talk to us??''
Jake: ''We had you checked earlier..!?''
Ladies: ''What?! So you stalked us before we went out? Did you tap our phones to find out our plans?''
(( with the conversation veering dangerously into a lawsuit, I stepped in ))
Me: ''No.. No.. No.. It's quicker than that theses days.. We just took some photos of you here..''
Ladies: ''Like thats any better!! We feel violated.. You know everything about us..''
Me: ''Errr.. No.. We don't get given any of your information, we just get a green or red light..''
Ladies: ''Oh.. So what about these photos.. Uh, god... bet we look really fat.. Can we see them..''
Jake: ''You are..''
Ladies: ''What?!''
Me: '' You are.. entitled to see them... But unfortunately, they are deleted immediately after their checked..''

With that, they excused themselves & left the club...
What we learnt from this adventure, was Jakes a fucking dick!
& Women don't make it easy to pull!!
Men need somewhere, they can just go & pull with ease.. Oh... Wait.. There is Derby!!

This Guy takes an Olympic Sports attitude towards Muff Diving!!!

Gym & Wife Beaters

If the Gym was a guy, he'd be guilty of domestic abuse!
Coz, if you ignore & neglect Gym,
Next time you see if, he'll fuck you up!

Ass Fudge

I see Tesco really are getting their teeth into 'Organic' produce!
I would suggest their choice of Welsh Lady Ass Fudge over English, was purely down to cost....

Cum Sandwich

Oh dear, it would seem, we've outsourced our label writing & printing!!
Unless, we're actually selling Cum as a healthy replacement to Mayonaisse?

Prostitutes, Communism & standing in line

Why is it that most of the Prostitutes these days are of East European?
Probably because, when your from a communist background, sex was the only thing you didn't have to stand in line for!!

Charitable actions & Cock Sword Fights

Theres a bit of an old Taboo about mens changing rooms & the increasing awareness of male insecurity..
It comes in many forms, but none more promenant than a mans phycological standpoint on the size of his member, his penis, his one eyed snake, the Willy..
Lets get all the giggles out of the way now, as this is a serious affliction!!

Thing is, I think we men could do eachother a favour..
And disregarding any worry of sounding like a raving gay-boy, I think we've got it all horribly wrong!!

I don't mean we should whip our willies out & start a sword fight club..
(the first rule of sword fight club is, we don't talk about it..)..

I mean, all of you men out there, who try to turn away as you change, affaid your fellow changing room user will either point & laugh at you, or worse, grab your penis & wiggle it like a joystick, as if their playng Street Fighter on the Commodore Amega, tapping yout balls like the A & B button!! ~~ leaving you naked, quivering in the fetal position, mumberling::
"nooo, noo more haal yookan!!"

Fact is, that just ain't gunna happen.. Well at least not in the majority of reputable gyms!!

I say, change the way you think..
Be more charitable & help your fellow man feel confidant to walk around with his cock swinging ir bobbing along..
Which ever it is, be proud..

I'm charitable.. I like to think that by getting my decidedly average size cock out, other men might have glance & see theirs is bigger..
In fact, I let the pubes grow more, so it looks even smaller..
Thats how charitable I am, I'll let people think my cock is tiny, just so they can feel better about themselves.

After all.. As a good Somerset accented friend of mine once said:
"Not everyone shows before they grows"

Phones, Facebook & Toilet cubicals

It's 2012, Facebook & other social media apps are now a thing of normal daily life..
It's estimated, that a whopping 97% of users, will use these apps when doing a poo..
Around 70% of these have admitted to waiting at least 2minutes until wiping, because they are too engrossed in the app..

But pretty much everyone agreed, despite our technological jumps, it seems the Public Toilet cubical has been left behind..
Many people describe the transition from using their phone to wiping as; Awkward...
Mainly because they hav nowhere to put the phone..
Some have admitted to dropping it down the toilet as they attempt to hold the phone & wipe with the same hand!!

Its safe to say, on a basic design level, Public Toilets & use of phones have not been thoroughly thought out!

Also, why do mens boxers not hqve pockets yet?!
90% of the time, we wear them as Pyjamas & often we go to slide our phone in the pocket (which doesnt exist!).. So revert to using the elasticated waist!!

Pussey Whipped

Do you ever catch your darling Pussey Cat just staring at you!!??
For ages & ages!!
Like their looking into the depths of your mind & weaving a web of thoughts, so intricately woven you don't even realise they mind fucked the shit outta ya!!

No? You say...
Oh dear.. Then your more 'pussey whipped' than your tiny mind can begin to comprehend!!

Your probably the type Cat 'owner, who for no aparent reason, will go into the Kitchen & 'decide' to fill a bowl with Milk, because:
''my little cutey looks thirsty''!!?
( I use the term 'owner' lightly, because obviously, who owns who, is rather more blurred in your case!!).

My Cat, thinks he's Telepathic, but the trouble with him is....
He's not!!
Or is that what he wants me to believe?!!
He's definitely not.. I just don't think he understands the concept frankly!

Either that or he's more into the Art of Hypnosis?!.. Waiting for us to get into a relaxed state of Slumber, then meowing in a rythmic pattern, attampting to atune our minds...

Unfortunately, I thinks thats far to sophisticated for him..
I mean, he sleeps on his back, with his head hanging off the Sofa, like he enjoys the blood rushing to his head!
He goes mental for reflected light or laser pens, needs a 'large cat' cat flap & when we dish out Catfood, he'll check the other Cats bowl as if to see if its the same food.. Unlike the other 100a of times before?!

Gypsys

As if occupying land without proper licence, authority or paying taxes, wasn't enough...
Now Gypsys have managed to stake a claim in our homes!! on various TV programs!!!
It seems, since Paddy won the hearts of many whislt in the Big Bro house, it has opened the flood-gates to a whole new platform of Pikey-TV!!
For which I'm sure a Gypsy or two are making none taxed income from!!

Having now been subjected to watching & hearing about these programs... these mild violations on the rest of society, being introduced to this strange world of:
Shiny black shoes,
Incomprehensible conversations,
New cars,
Weird gatherings of dolled up-ness,
& strange territorial fights, which frankly are ironically unnecessary, because they don't actually pay or own the facking land!!

Come to think of it, Gypsys are very similar to Cats..
We class them as vermin, but we allow them into our home...
They both fight for territory, which actually isn't theirs & frankly, sometimes they fight for no conceivable reason...
They both are capable of multiplying rapidly & generally, when they leave an area looking like crap, we clean it up after them & do not charge for the cursity!!

Men cooking a 'romantic' meal

I'll let you all into a little hidden fact..... We men are secretly ~~ hopeless romantics!!
I know.. I know.. you would never have guessed it!! What with our innate ability to wake ourselves up by way of colonic-trumpitiering!!
Despite our obviously graceful bedtime antics, we do secretly like to wooo our lady.. (Or man.. I'm not a gay-ist..)
However, like Supermans criptinite.. Something is built deep within our genes, which generally makes us useless baffons..
Who, like Aid to Africa ~~ means well..
But honestly, doesn't really work out now..Does it!!
As a prerequisite to this, at times, we men attempt to do something for our lady.. We say we'll make them a wonderful dinner, with our fair hands, from scratch... one of wonder, delight & infinite beauty..
Which, we hope, will at least be nice enough & none-poisinous enough, to ensure a sexually eventful evening ensues...
Strangely, this is where our Baffonary kicks in..
(yes, to all you English Lit grads.. I may have just made that word up... And what!! Like Amazeballs is a real word!!)
We, in the past have maybe attempted to follow a cook book for some idea of what to do..
However, our vaild excuse for no longer utilising this medium is...
We have no room for one, nor do we actually intend to ever read it again!!
So, you might think we turn to the internet... But no, we.. Sorry our inflated male egos decide, that despite still burning toast on a regular basis, we caughy enough Jamie Oliver & Saturday Kitchen to conjure up a dish of our own!!
Then comes the trip to the supermarket for the ingrediants to our heavenly dish...
In classic fashion, we leave this to the last minute.. Enviously because iur ego has faith in our ability to magically grab what we need..
In reality, almost as soon as we enter the supermarket, our superpowers evade us & we're left feeling like the outter shell of Stephen Hawkins;
A dribbling, disabled shadow of humanbeing!!
It will inevitably come down to three basic choices:
*Pre-Made meals for two.
*Something we can bung the oven & top with a professional sauce.
*Take-away.
The first & third are usually chosen by the obese or lazy as shit..
The second is the 'best-selling' choice that most men go with..

Why.. Well, in our hugely oversized & underused brains.. We see this as actually making something from scratch-ish...
We're able to control what goes with what & how it looks..
Or at least we attempt too..

If by some stroke of luck it all comes out okay.. Jackpot!!
Paradoxically though.. Even if it doesn't, we usually still get the Jackpot??
This is where the great book: Men are from Mars & Women can't comprehend logic is totally spot on!
(oh, wait, was it.. Women are from Venus.. Well.. Means the same thing)!

Deep within the uncomprehendable maze, that is, the women mind, despite the fact we've probably doomed them to a night of the shits..
They see our 'cute' attempt in the most simplist form: one of endearment...
Also, doing the washing up afterwards also helps!!

Usually the passionate consumation of physical love is help on by a lucky purchase of Chocolate perfitaroles..
Once this is over, the man will come clean & reveal he's didn't make it completely from scratch..
Essentially it was all Pre-mad..

Thing is personally, in 2012 Britain, I dunno how else you'd get Salmon?
Hire a bear to catch it for you??!!

Also.. I do wonder what the difference is, in, say, Antartica??
I would've thought bringing home, all the fresh ingredients is far to normal & totally unromantic?!
Maybe... The feat of getting a Dominos pizza delivered, still hot, is their romantic dinner for two??