Urinals & that Shapes cube you played with as a toddler

Guys, some of you I just don't get...
& I really wonder if girls would do the same, given thw same circumstances?

You can generally spot which if us excelled at that little Shape cube thingy as a toddler.. You know, the cube, that helped you to understand certain shapes fit into certain holes..
Was geared not just to teach you the difference between a square & a circle, but to build your understanding of spacial awareness...

But some if us, must have always tried to but the circle into the rectangle hole, because you all seem to think Chewing gum fits down the minute holes in Urinals!

Really!!? What driver you to spit it out into the urinal? Especially when there's an open bin 2 feet away!!
You don't even have to touch a dirty bin lid, its a big oval hole!!?
But nope, you go for the 3mm Urinal holes!

Your the sort if weirdos who enjoy giving people real wet willys in the ear!!
You know, with your actual Willy!

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Charity work... OCD

I don't give all that much to Charity.
But, insted, what I have been doing for years, is offering those who suffer from OCD, what I like to think of as, a form of therapy...
So, about once a week, I get the group together, It's a bit like an AA meeting...but for OCD.. we call it OCD annon..
I can't afford a big place, so my little flat has to make do for now..
Great thing is, its very rare anyone's late.
Usually I sit any new members down to begin with, go over some simple rules, show them through the flat & particularly where the cleaning products & Hoover is located...

A bit of a bonus is, some turn up on non-group days, ready do put the hard work in...

I've not had to clean my flat for months now!!!!
Great cleaners those OCD....
What?!
Oh i get it.. I hear some people say:
"your abusing their nature"
I say, I'm allowing them to express themselves outside the home!!
Also, I'm not a monster, I make them a cup of Tea each...
Well, when I say I, I mean Stuart.. he has an obsession for making tea....
I do pay for the Tea bags though, so, in a way, as they're drinking it, that's Charity!!

Desert Island

So, chances are you've played this sort of silly game before.. But.. If your were to.be stuck on a Desert Island & you could have one, thing only, one rhing, what would it be.. don't think.. just say the first thing that comes to mind.....

Most people are like:
IPod...
Phone...
My favorite cuddly toy (yeah, well done Steve, you gayboy!!)

You know what I'd take:
How about a boat, so I can get off the fucking island!!!
Better still, the Replicater off The Star Ship Enterprise!! You could get food, drink, everything you need.. possibly even a small vagina to pass the lonely times..
You might ask why I didn't say women..
Don't be stupid, the replicator can't make things that big!! Duh!!!
Also, arguably because, she'd do your fucking head in at some point!!
She'd be able to talk & moan, oh my hair all knotted, I'm bored, wanna watch Eastenders!!

Ahh shit, hang on.. what's gunna power the replicator? Bollocks, a flaw in my otherwise perfect plan...

I know what, fuck it, its my game, I'd have he whole Star Ship Enterprise!!
That way, you'd get the hologram room also!!!

Sayings: Nearly a happily Married Man

Nearly a happily married man,
I don't mean that I'm unhappily married, that would be just unheard of right?!
Or, for some it could mean your birthdays coming up, which means the wife sings on the microphone...
How bad would that be, to be married and indirectly say your unhappy most of he time!!
Awkward if your wife heard it!
Oh hello dear.....

Meatballs

Why so they make Meatballs, in the shape.of a ball.. If there's a more annoying shape to cook or fry, tell me..
Because by how the instructions read, it all sounds lovely & easy..
Grab a Saucepan, med heat, bit of oil, shallow fry Meatballs, turning every 1-2 minutes..
You can't fucking turn them!
At least not on a way that cooks them evenly!!
Have they tried turning an arguably ball shaped meaty object before!!?
The fucking things just flop back to favoured side, which ends up the most cooked.. and when I say most cooked I mean cremated!!

Why would you make such a food when its so obviously impractical to cook..

How about Meatcubes?! Far more practical & a much more economical way way to put into packaging!!
At least then you've only got 6, flat sides to worry about!!

Phrases: A picture tells...

A picture tells a thousand stories...

Well, I've been sitting infront of this blank canvas for 3 weeks & the only story I've heard is from my stomach, convincing my intestines its a good idea to visit the inside of my stomach!!!

Controlling other People's actions

I've seen and heard some people say:
"You can't control other people's actions.."

Well, firstly, your wrong!
Secondly, have these people forgotton the little known phenomena of ques, at places like Banks!!
Thirdly, they have obviously never owned or rather, been ownded by a Vagina!

Thay is all...

Learning difficulties & how it was in my Grandads day

These days schools are soo much more aware of the various learning difficulties.. They do x,y,z, to help each student study..

My Grandad says that kids are treated to softly these days...
"Oh he's suffers from x.. let cuddle him & draw flowers whilst we speak about his troublesome days in nappies.."
In my day, where I'm from, they didn't acknowledge learning difficulties. You where either deaf, dumb or blind..
and even then, your were expected to learn just the same!!
Blind kids would have to pretend to read just how all the other kids did & if you got something wrong or didn't answer a teacher's question, even if you were deaf, you had to take a beaten just like the rest of us..
Yeah, we were real kids back then, no whinging: 'oh sir I can't read proper, I suffer from dyslexia'...
If youd said something like that in my day the teacher would have said:
'What, shut your wingeing, I'll show you dicklexia'!! (then proceed to do you up the butt!! In front of the class shouting, anyone else think they have dyslexia!? Huh!! Well!! Come on, don't be shy!! There's a good boy, cry those tears now, get it out if your system.. make way for my fluids!!)

Accidental Racism

We have a habit of shortening words or phrases. Some parts of the Country even have their own meaning for the same word!! Unfortunately, the beauty of the English language falls apart when a certain combination of words are put together, that also have a potentially racist inclination!
Like, in a brief conversation I had with someone recently... I asked what he was upto this weekend..
Now, bare in mind, this chap is a; White, British male, slightly bald, & enjoys riding powerfull - loud motorbikes, you can understand why; despite him not being in any way racist, his reply couldsound a little suspicious:
"Oh, Paking with a bunch of Brownies"....
Now, for those of you who are not at all outdoorsy: 'Paking' is short for 'Back-Packing'.... And for anyone who really needs to know: 'Brownies' are not a bunch of Indian or other Dark skinned race..
In fact, they are the lesser skilled version of Girl Guides...
Although, I'm sure nowadays, with all the P.C awareness & overblown worrying, the term: 'Brownies' has been abandoned...
I can't for the life if me think why??

Strangely, the boys version if these outdoor persuit groups are called:
Beavers (for the youngsters) & Scouts (for the older,.more experienced)...
Personally, why we opted to call the young boys group, Beavers rather than the girls.. because... well.... do I really need to spell it out?!!
Saying that, I don't think calling the young boys, Brownies would assist in their upbringing.. As... Well... Wouldn't you as an outsider, have teased them on being a bunch of Bum-bandits?!
Come on: Brownies...?!
Stealing eachothers fudge!

Brussel Sprouts

See now, unfortunately, Roast dinners are not complete without Brussel Sprouts...
Given, no one really enjoys them!!
Ideally we'd leave that part out..
Bit like Women really... There a just not complete without a Hysterical streek coarsing through their veins!!!
That's their Brussel Sproat...
Being Hysterical!!

Like;-
Hysterical Women:
"Urghh babe, you took the spare key, I can't get out"
Man:
"No I I didn't..."
Hysterical Women:
"You did! You took the spare key!! You definately took it, I know you did"
Man:
"I didn't, why would I? I have my key"
Hysterical Women:
"Yes you did, coz I put it confront of your keys, on the key ring. You took it with you"
Man:
"Ahh, no I didn't.. did you actually look for them? I wondered why it fell off my keys!? You haven't looked on the stairs have you"
Not so hysterical women:
"Oh..."

Hysterical women....

Nuff said!!

OAP quotes

"I can't get on with these new social media internet site thingys!!?
Each time I go to join a site, its asks me for a password?!
How do they expect me to know the password already!!"

If the shoe fits...

Saying I look retarded?
Well, If the shoe fits, point & laugh!!

It's hard when you come from.. let's say.. a less affluent part of town... Most people judge you, usually negatively..
They have a preconception..
A bit like, if the shoe fits...
We have a saying.....
If the shoe fits.. steal it!!