You know what gets my goat... TV soap dramas....
What has the UKs women & gay or 'feminine side aware' men come too, with their interest in soaps?
To me, British soaps are ripping off the very meaning of irony...
When, the way to keep viewer numbers high & the show alive, you have to constantly kill your characters off!
Can onone in the village just have a normal, safe life without some major adversity & it doesn't take long for some new family to come along, move into their house & suddenly all is forgotten & more juicy plots go on..
We're breeding some real sickos!! Who can only enjoy a soap, with a good underhand lie & gruesome death!
I call these people.. The Soap people... They feed off the adversity within these programs & enjoy the terrible stories told...
Friday, 17 February 2012
Labels
Straights - Gay - Bent - Disabled - Special - White - Black - Smoker - Vegan - Criminal
It's seems lately that so many people have piped up in protest against being labelled...
But the fact is: Human beings label everything..
We have to.. It's instinct... a way to know & communicate what something is..
For as long as I can remember the gay/homosexual community, have fought hard for recognition & respect... They don't want negative labels or recognition... Which has left me confused about what 'label' they want, because they don't want to be labelled, I just don't know which term is the best or least offensive!!
If your straight - you get labelled straight... but the opposite of straight is either bent or... not straight..
So, if we shouldn't say gay...or say bent... Should we say... not straight??
I find it funny that when your part of a labelled group, it's easy for you to self deprecate your similar kind...
It's easier, sometimes for others, looking from the outside in, to pick up on the idiosyncrasies & mock them..
Thing is, it's part of our nature to gossip & mock..
It's our way of interacting with our world & the things in it..
We each share some mutual views & some that are not the same, that's the beauty of being human...
Can you imagine a world without possible negative labels? How would we identify criminals?
Do we call them 'Morally Challenged'?
What if we had to call Paedophiles something else....Something less negative.. We have homosexuals, bisexuals, hetrosexuals... Now we'd have to add Kiddysexuals....
One of the more awkward ones, is the many different types if disabilities.. We go warm to the idea it's too taboo to hit on... & step lightly when making fun of anything in this area.. But the truth is... I believe, finding the humour in something/everything, should be a way for people in that 'label' to relate to & find funnier than anyone... You might not have the balls to admit it, but when you come across someone who is commonly labelled as 'special', the type of person whos disability has extravagant & vocal outbursts... Even if you have the common decency to reframe from laughing, the little, probably childish side of you, laughs inside..
They just bring a odd encounter to your day & crack a smile/belly laugh... It's very hard not to...
It's seems lately that so many people have piped up in protest against being labelled...
But the fact is: Human beings label everything..
We have to.. It's instinct... a way to know & communicate what something is..
For as long as I can remember the gay/homosexual community, have fought hard for recognition & respect... They don't want negative labels or recognition... Which has left me confused about what 'label' they want, because they don't want to be labelled, I just don't know which term is the best or least offensive!!
If your straight - you get labelled straight... but the opposite of straight is either bent or... not straight..
So, if we shouldn't say gay...or say bent... Should we say... not straight??
I find it funny that when your part of a labelled group, it's easy for you to self deprecate your similar kind...
It's easier, sometimes for others, looking from the outside in, to pick up on the idiosyncrasies & mock them..
Thing is, it's part of our nature to gossip & mock..
It's our way of interacting with our world & the things in it..
We each share some mutual views & some that are not the same, that's the beauty of being human...
Can you imagine a world without possible negative labels? How would we identify criminals?
Do we call them 'Morally Challenged'?
What if we had to call Paedophiles something else....Something less negative.. We have homosexuals, bisexuals, hetrosexuals... Now we'd have to add Kiddysexuals....
One of the more awkward ones, is the many different types if disabilities.. We go warm to the idea it's too taboo to hit on... & step lightly when making fun of anything in this area.. But the truth is... I believe, finding the humour in something/everything, should be a way for people in that 'label' to relate to & find funnier than anyone... You might not have the balls to admit it, but when you come across someone who is commonly labelled as 'special', the type of person whos disability has extravagant & vocal outbursts... Even if you have the common decency to reframe from laughing, the little, probably childish side of you, laughs inside..
They just bring a odd encounter to your day & crack a smile/belly laugh... It's very hard not to...
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
Telephones pre millenium
What did we do before the 'techey age' took over our lives?
Now-days, changing our telephone number is done on a yearly basis & by some miracle, we are able to contact the people in our phonebook before we change it, providing them with the new number..
Any pre 90's babies will remember you couldn't do that with your landline...
You'd have to actually call them with the new number, on the new number & if they didn't answer, you left a 'message on the answer machine', the term, voicemail had yet to be dubbed..
(Pre 90's babies, we are no officially old!!)
These messages, usually sounded completely fake, as you reeled off your number from a piece of paper & if you got it wrong, you had no choice but to carry on or call-back apologise & try again!!
If they didn't have voicemail, well... you had to wait & try agian..!! imagine that!
If they had caller id, they might notice a missed call... to check it, they either had to know it, go through their phonebook or actually call it in the suspense to who it might be!! Now that was always an awkward conversation... We all know th phonecall protocal,, ''don't give up your name before the other person!''
call-e: Hello..
caller: Hello.. Whos this?
call-e: err..you called me?! Who's this?
caller: No, you called me?
call-e: No I didn't? Did I? When? Not just now? Did I? Pretty sure you called me!
caller: No, no, no... I called you now.. You called me earlier.. your number was on my caller ID?
call-e: You sure it was me, not someone else?
caller: Well.. I don't know.. Who else is there?
call-e: err...No-one... Its just me here...
caller: So why ask if it could have been someone else calling from your phonenumber?
call-e: I dunno... Maybe it was a burgler?
caller: Really!!? Have you been broken into?
call-e: No... I've been in all day...
caller: So, a burgler broke in, without a trace, sneeked around you & made 1 phonecall from your phone?!
call-e: How do you know they only made 1 phonecall?
caller: Really, thats the part that seems likely to you?!
call-e: Why not? Maybe they dialled the wrong number?
caller: So, they broke in without a trace, took nothing, got the number wrong, made a number of phonecalls..
call-e: I didn't say they made a number of phone call.. they probably just dialled the wrong digits first time. Who dials a number wrong twice?.. when you didn't answer, they tried again & dialled the right number?
caller: So, their in your house, making calls? Why would they call somone again?
call-e: For a getaway?
caller: Let me get this straight, they are calling for a Getaway, from an untraceable break-in, when they haven't stolen anything? But they dialled the number wrong.. Why bother breaking in, in the first place?
call-e: If I knew that, I'd be the burgler! What a stupid question!
caller: Oh, I get it, this is just a wind-up.. Isn't it...
call-e: How? You called me... How do I know your not winding me up...?
caller: Why would anyone call to wind you up, by saying, you called me?
call-e: Well... that's exactly what someone trying to wind me up would say!!
caller: Arguably, it's also what someone not winding you up would say! & anyway, you called me... Listen, have you called anyone today?
call-e: Yes
caller: right, we're getting somewhere.... Who did you call...
call-e: Everyone...
caller: Everyone!! really, you know everyone... Did you call the pope?!
call-e: No, why would I call the pope?
caller: Well, you said you called everyone!!
call-e: But why the pope? Why not Michael Jackson?
caller: Well if you called everyone, you would have called him too...
call-e: But I didn't call him either!
caller: So you can't have called everyone then!!
call-e: Well, no... I called everyone in my phonebook..
caller: So whos in your phonebook
call-e: I'm not gunna tell you that...
caller: Why, what do you think I'm gunna do with a bunch of names?! Steal them!! Listen, why don't you tell me who you are, so we can't get this over with...
call-e:
caller: So why don't you just answer the phone with your name?
call-e: Because then they know my name & they win
caller: Whats wrong with knowing your name... just tell me your name
call-e: You called me, give me your name first....
caller: Tell you what.. Why don't we say our names after 3.... ready...
call-e: yeah
caller: right.. 1...
call-e: wait wait wait... do we say it on three... or just after
caller: we say it just after 3..
call-e: so on the 4th count?
caller: lets just say it on 3.. yeah... ready..
call-e: ready
caller: 1...2...3...
together::: +++++++++++++
(( then at that time, the two conflicting voices would coagulate in the middle of nowhere, both ends hearing only their own voice!!!))
Now-days, changing our telephone number is done on a yearly basis & by some miracle, we are able to contact the people in our phonebook before we change it, providing them with the new number..
Any pre 90's babies will remember you couldn't do that with your landline...
You'd have to actually call them with the new number, on the new number & if they didn't answer, you left a 'message on the answer machine', the term, voicemail had yet to be dubbed..
(Pre 90's babies, we are no officially old!!)
These messages, usually sounded completely fake, as you reeled off your number from a piece of paper & if you got it wrong, you had no choice but to carry on or call-back apologise & try again!!
If they didn't have voicemail, well... you had to wait & try agian..!! imagine that!
If they had caller id, they might notice a missed call... to check it, they either had to know it, go through their phonebook or actually call it in the suspense to who it might be!! Now that was always an awkward conversation... We all know th phonecall protocal,, ''don't give up your name before the other person!''
call-e: Hello..
caller: Hello.. Whos this?
call-e: err..you called me?! Who's this?
caller: No, you called me?
call-e: No I didn't? Did I? When? Not just now? Did I? Pretty sure you called me!
caller: No, no, no... I called you now.. You called me earlier.. your number was on my caller ID?
call-e: You sure it was me, not someone else?
caller: Well.. I don't know.. Who else is there?
call-e: err...No-one... Its just me here...
caller: So why ask if it could have been someone else calling from your phonenumber?
call-e: I dunno... Maybe it was a burgler?
caller: Really!!? Have you been broken into?
call-e: No... I've been in all day...
caller: So, a burgler broke in, without a trace, sneeked around you & made 1 phonecall from your phone?!
call-e: How do you know they only made 1 phonecall?
caller: Really, thats the part that seems likely to you?!
call-e: Why not? Maybe they dialled the wrong number?
caller: So, they broke in without a trace, took nothing, got the number wrong, made a number of phonecalls..
call-e: I didn't say they made a number of phone call.. they probably just dialled the wrong digits first time. Who dials a number wrong twice?.. when you didn't answer, they tried again & dialled the right number?
caller: So, their in your house, making calls? Why would they call somone again?
call-e: For a getaway?
caller: Let me get this straight, they are calling for a Getaway, from an untraceable break-in, when they haven't stolen anything? But they dialled the number wrong.. Why bother breaking in, in the first place?
call-e: If I knew that, I'd be the burgler! What a stupid question!
caller: Oh, I get it, this is just a wind-up.. Isn't it...
call-e: How? You called me... How do I know your not winding me up...?
caller: Why would anyone call to wind you up, by saying, you called me?
call-e: Well... that's exactly what someone trying to wind me up would say!!
caller: Arguably, it's also what someone not winding you up would say! & anyway, you called me... Listen, have you called anyone today?
call-e: Yes
caller: right, we're getting somewhere.... Who did you call...
call-e: Everyone...
caller: Everyone!! really, you know everyone... Did you call the pope?!
call-e: No, why would I call the pope?
caller: Well, you said you called everyone!!
call-e: But why the pope? Why not Michael Jackson?
caller: Well if you called everyone, you would have called him too...
call-e: But I didn't call him either!
caller: So you can't have called everyone then!!
call-e: Well, no... I called everyone in my phonebook..
caller: So whos in your phonebook
call-e: I'm not gunna tell you that...
caller: Why, what do you think I'm gunna do with a bunch of names?! Steal them!! Listen, why don't you tell me who you are, so we can't get this over with...
call-e:
caller: So why don't you just answer the phone with your name?
call-e: Because then they know my name & they win
caller: Whats wrong with knowing your name... just tell me your name
call-e: You called me, give me your name first....
caller: Tell you what.. Why don't we say our names after 3.... ready...
call-e: yeah
caller: right.. 1...
call-e: wait wait wait... do we say it on three... or just after
caller: we say it just after 3..
call-e: so on the 4th count?
caller: lets just say it on 3.. yeah... ready..
call-e: ready
caller: 1...2...3...
together::: +++++++++++++
(( then at that time, the two conflicting voices would coagulate in the middle of nowhere, both ends hearing only their own voice!!!))
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
Webcam Paranoia
A recent study found 73% of men who work from home, spend 30% if their time procrastinating.
A percentage of which, always involves parooseing porn sites.
Even more interestingly, almost 80% of the men in relationships admitted they suffer from paranoia that someone, more precisely, their partner is somehow keeping an eye on them, via the webcam!
Some of the funniest things they did to avoid being seen:
* using a sock to cover the lens
* turning the light out
* usinh mayonnaise?!!
Friday, 13 January 2012
Protein Poo
Anyone who attempts to gain muscle, will have probabaly decided to up their intake of Protein..
I myself have experianced the up & downsides, to this mini adventure!
Whilst ensuring you work out & replenish the protein (almost to the point of overdose), it does & is, proven to aid the gain of muscle mass..
Now before anyone clicks off this, thinking:
"Urhhg, protein... muscle mass? =snoor!"
This is just the lead up to my more interesting point, which will come shortly...as soon as i've finished, poorly attempting to keep you interested in reading this.. Which, by my constant use of words & sentences, that have no real link to the proposed story (which by the way, is loosely designed to give you a giggle)... Really isn't assisting the matter...
However, if your still reading, or have skimmed this bit....
Well done you!!
You'll enjoy my observation...
Or hate it..
Or have a mild increase in happiness, with the visual thought soon to be revealed..
BACK TO THE POINT!!
Unfortunately, this added protein, to help gain muscle mass, doesn't, in-fact help to enlarge the size of a mans Willy!
Not that I initially started a vigorous course of Protein, Amino Acids & Willy Flicks Just for that outcome...
Coz that would obviously be weird!?
(( Willy flicks, by the way... if your not familiar with the term or visual reference, are exactly what the name suggests... But to clear up any confusion ~~ it is not :
* Flicking ones Willy with ones finger.
* Flicking ones Willy with a ruler.
* Flicking people with ones Willy.
It is also not :
* Flicking someone called Willy
* Using ones Willy in flicking based board games
I certainly didn't think it was any of those, when I started out.. Which I didn't.. Coz that would be weird..!?
I definately didn't get chased by, what I will dub; "a group of where's Wally fans".. in a clear case if mistaken identity... which involved an innocent group of children, a wheres Wally book & someone (who was not me), thinking Wally wqs called Willy, finding & pointing to Wally in a flicking action with his Willy saying:
"there's Willy!" ))
As it turns out, Willy Flicks are just that amazingly intrueging trick a man can perform, only for very shorts bursts, when commanding his willy to pull up..
Thus visually, the Willy moves in a flicking action.. Which I have Judge Griffiths to thank for clearing that confusion up!!
Errr.. Because... He.. Was... On... The... Discovery Chanel... In a... Weird... But interesting episode.... Of ... The.. Human... Body???...
He definitely was not the Judge in a very odd local case, invilving 'Wheres Wally fans' which apparently wasn't his first experience of such a case!?
However, after months..
Well actually.. Years..
Of Trying this Willy Flicking..
Turns out,
It does absolutely fuck all to the size of your Willy!!
However, what you do find from the intake of Protein is, it seems to increase the size of your Poo!!
Which, is aptly dubbed:
'Protein Shit'
I can only describe the sheer size, weight & dynamic of this phenomenon as one huge, ugly poo, which litrally comes out lifting it's own mini poo weights as it exits..
I could imagine if you saw this exit a human body, it'd be like much like those expanding foam sprays, it actually is still gaining mass as it hit the basin!!
In some cases, it's been know to lift a grown man of the toilet!! Likes it's bench pressing him, in some protein/testosterone fuelled frenzy!!
I myself have experianced the up & downsides, to this mini adventure!
Whilst ensuring you work out & replenish the protein (almost to the point of overdose), it does & is, proven to aid the gain of muscle mass..
Now before anyone clicks off this, thinking:
"Urhhg, protein... muscle mass? =snoor!"
This is just the lead up to my more interesting point, which will come shortly...as soon as i've finished, poorly attempting to keep you interested in reading this.. Which, by my constant use of words & sentences, that have no real link to the proposed story (which by the way, is loosely designed to give you a giggle)... Really isn't assisting the matter...
However, if your still reading, or have skimmed this bit....
Well done you!!
You'll enjoy my observation...
Or hate it..
Or have a mild increase in happiness, with the visual thought soon to be revealed..
BACK TO THE POINT!!
Unfortunately, this added protein, to help gain muscle mass, doesn't, in-fact help to enlarge the size of a mans Willy!
Not that I initially started a vigorous course of Protein, Amino Acids & Willy Flicks Just for that outcome...
Coz that would obviously be weird!?
(( Willy flicks, by the way... if your not familiar with the term or visual reference, are exactly what the name suggests... But to clear up any confusion ~~ it is not :
* Flicking ones Willy with ones finger.
* Flicking ones Willy with a ruler.
* Flicking people with ones Willy.
It is also not :
* Flicking someone called Willy
* Using ones Willy in flicking based board games
I certainly didn't think it was any of those, when I started out.. Which I didn't.. Coz that would be weird..!?
I definately didn't get chased by, what I will dub; "a group of where's Wally fans".. in a clear case if mistaken identity... which involved an innocent group of children, a wheres Wally book & someone (who was not me), thinking Wally wqs called Willy, finding & pointing to Wally in a flicking action with his Willy saying:
"there's Willy!" ))
As it turns out, Willy Flicks are just that amazingly intrueging trick a man can perform, only for very shorts bursts, when commanding his willy to pull up..
Thus visually, the Willy moves in a flicking action.. Which I have Judge Griffiths to thank for clearing that confusion up!!
Errr.. Because... He.. Was... On... The... Discovery Chanel... In a... Weird... But interesting episode.... Of ... The.. Human... Body???...
He definitely was not the Judge in a very odd local case, invilving 'Wheres Wally fans' which apparently wasn't his first experience of such a case!?
However, after months..
Well actually.. Years..
Of Trying this Willy Flicking..
Turns out,
It does absolutely fuck all to the size of your Willy!!
However, what you do find from the intake of Protein is, it seems to increase the size of your Poo!!
Which, is aptly dubbed:
'Protein Shit'
I can only describe the sheer size, weight & dynamic of this phenomenon as one huge, ugly poo, which litrally comes out lifting it's own mini poo weights as it exits..
I could imagine if you saw this exit a human body, it'd be like much like those expanding foam sprays, it actually is still gaining mass as it hit the basin!!
In some cases, it's been know to lift a grown man of the toilet!! Likes it's bench pressing him, in some protein/testosterone fuelled frenzy!!
Thursday, 12 January 2012
People Person....
I think like most people.... I like to believe I'm a 'people person'...
Strange thing is ~~ do we all just believe our own hype?
Anyone who's written their CV, has had to try & explain what a fantastic human-being they are...
Funnily enough, we all tend to use the same four or five words....
We'd like to put more down ~~
try and cover absolutely every angle & possible want from the prospecting employer..
But as we learn from the first few attempts, what the School taught you about writing a CV was bollocks!
After the first five descriptive words, it starts to read like a shopping list!
And let's face it... if you write like me & keep changing the use of: 'and' / '&'.
Any employer with a B in English will begin to get really annoyed!!
Why do we even have the symbol & (AKA 'ampersand')?
Why isn't their other symbols... for words like 'it'??
What? Because, there is one more character in the word 'and' ~~ someone felt the need to reduce it down to a single character symbol!?
Was this person able to foresee the future? Did they know of the impending confinement of Twitter & Text!?
Getting back to my point.. We all like to believe we are a 'people person'... Some even do write it on their CV!
Is it really that necessary? Do we all actually expect the person reading it would think we're a sad recluse, because we do not state otherwise!!
That's just ridiculous! Chances are, they won't even bother to read it!!
But, still, after affirming to ourselves, over years & years of our youth & self-development, that we are, confident, we are outgoing, fun, bubbly, enjoy being around people & can get along with anyone.....
I bet... like me... when you venture out into the big bad world....
More specifically... you venture out during the day... a Saturday... Into the Town centre...
By god/allah/cow (who-ever/whatever fits your faith, I don't judge.. just mock!!)
I bet.. like me.. Especially on a busy Saturday... You fucking LOATH people!!
It's a peculiar double-standard though isn't it...
I can only parallel the psychological feeling, to that of when we are behind the wheel of a motor vehicle...
Suddenly, you're not a people person, any-more than you're a child rapist!!
And with that statement, I think it's only fair to say; that for a small minority (as far as we are aware),
they thoroughly enjoy the busy environment.. They become a people person!
Admittedly, most usually... They become a 'little people person'!!
The busy streets, a perfect playground for their 'lolly pop' cliché... 'stranger danger' ways!!
HAHA.. I'm just quietly admiring the idea of how a paedophiles CV reads!!
Hobbies:
Charity Lolly Pop Events.. Hanging around the outside of Tesco.. Children's entertainer..
Personal Traits:
Persuasive, Understanding, Generous, Well Groomed, Careful....
((See... now.. any more words & it just doesn't work!))
Achievements:
Internet.. Playgrounds.. Jonny, Luke & Stacey......
P.S: In no way am I saying Tesco is a paedophiles playground..
If anything, Early Learning is much better!
Strange thing is ~~ do we all just believe our own hype?
Anyone who's written their CV, has had to try & explain what a fantastic human-being they are...
Funnily enough, we all tend to use the same four or five words....
We'd like to put more down ~~
try and cover absolutely every angle & possible want from the prospecting employer..
But as we learn from the first few attempts, what the School taught you about writing a CV was bollocks!
After the first five descriptive words, it starts to read like a shopping list!
And let's face it... if you write like me & keep changing the use of: 'and' / '&'.
Any employer with a B in English will begin to get really annoyed!!
Why do we even have the symbol & (AKA 'ampersand')?
Why isn't their other symbols... for words like 'it'??
What? Because, there is one more character in the word 'and' ~~ someone felt the need to reduce it down to a single character symbol!?
Was this person able to foresee the future? Did they know of the impending confinement of Twitter & Text!?
Getting back to my point.. We all like to believe we are a 'people person'... Some even do write it on their CV!
Is it really that necessary? Do we all actually expect the person reading it would think we're a sad recluse, because we do not state otherwise!!
That's just ridiculous! Chances are, they won't even bother to read it!!
But, still, after affirming to ourselves, over years & years of our youth & self-development, that we are, confident, we are outgoing, fun, bubbly, enjoy being around people & can get along with anyone.....
I bet... like me... when you venture out into the big bad world....
More specifically... you venture out during the day... a Saturday... Into the Town centre...
By god/allah/cow (who-ever/whatever fits your faith, I don't judge.. just mock!!)
I bet.. like me.. Especially on a busy Saturday... You fucking LOATH people!!
It's a peculiar double-standard though isn't it...
I can only parallel the psychological feeling, to that of when we are behind the wheel of a motor vehicle...
Suddenly, you're not a people person, any-more than you're a child rapist!!
And with that statement, I think it's only fair to say; that for a small minority (as far as we are aware),
they thoroughly enjoy the busy environment.. They become a people person!
Admittedly, most usually... They become a 'little people person'!!
The busy streets, a perfect playground for their 'lolly pop' cliché... 'stranger danger' ways!!
HAHA.. I'm just quietly admiring the idea of how a paedophiles CV reads!!
Hobbies:
Charity Lolly Pop Events.. Hanging around the outside of Tesco.. Children's entertainer..
Personal Traits:
Persuasive, Understanding, Generous, Well Groomed, Careful....
((See... now.. any more words & it just doesn't work!))
Achievements:
Internet.. Playgrounds.. Jonny, Luke & Stacey......
P.S: In no way am I saying Tesco is a paedophiles playground..
If anything, Early Learning is much better!
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