Cum Sandwich

Oh dear, it would seem, we've outsourced our label writing & printing!!
Unless, we're actually selling Cum as a healthy replacement to Mayonaisse?

Prostitutes, Communism & standing in line

Why is it that most of the Prostitutes these days are of East European?
Probably because, when your from a communist background, sex was the only thing you didn't have to stand in line for!!

Charitable actions & Cock Sword Fights

Theres a bit of an old Taboo about mens changing rooms & the increasing awareness of male insecurity..
It comes in many forms, but none more promenant than a mans phycological standpoint on the size of his member, his penis, his one eyed snake, the Willy..
Lets get all the giggles out of the way now, as this is a serious affliction!!

Thing is, I think we men could do eachother a favour..
And disregarding any worry of sounding like a raving gay-boy, I think we've got it all horribly wrong!!

I don't mean we should whip our willies out & start a sword fight club..
(the first rule of sword fight club is, we don't talk about it..)..

I mean, all of you men out there, who try to turn away as you change, affaid your fellow changing room user will either point & laugh at you, or worse, grab your penis & wiggle it like a joystick, as if their playng Street Fighter on the Commodore Amega, tapping yout balls like the A & B button!! ~~ leaving you naked, quivering in the fetal position, mumberling::
"nooo, noo more haal yookan!!"

Fact is, that just ain't gunna happen.. Well at least not in the majority of reputable gyms!!

I say, change the way you think..
Be more charitable & help your fellow man feel confidant to walk around with his cock swinging ir bobbing along..
Which ever it is, be proud..

I'm charitable.. I like to think that by getting my decidedly average size cock out, other men might have glance & see theirs is bigger..
In fact, I let the pubes grow more, so it looks even smaller..
Thats how charitable I am, I'll let people think my cock is tiny, just so they can feel better about themselves.

After all.. As a good Somerset accented friend of mine once said:
"Not everyone shows before they grows"

Phones, Facebook & Toilet cubicals

It's 2012, Facebook & other social media apps are now a thing of normal daily life..
It's estimated, that a whopping 97% of users, will use these apps when doing a poo..
Around 70% of these have admitted to waiting at least 2minutes until wiping, because they are too engrossed in the app..

But pretty much everyone agreed, despite our technological jumps, it seems the Public Toilet cubical has been left behind..
Many people describe the transition from using their phone to wiping as; Awkward...
Mainly because they hav nowhere to put the phone..
Some have admitted to dropping it down the toilet as they attempt to hold the phone & wipe with the same hand!!

Its safe to say, on a basic design level, Public Toilets & use of phones have not been thoroughly thought out!

Also, why do mens boxers not hqve pockets yet?!
90% of the time, we wear them as Pyjamas & often we go to slide our phone in the pocket (which doesnt exist!).. So revert to using the elasticated waist!!

Pussey Whipped

Do you ever catch your darling Pussey Cat just staring at you!!??
For ages & ages!!
Like their looking into the depths of your mind & weaving a web of thoughts, so intricately woven you don't even realise they mind fucked the shit outta ya!!

No? You say...
Oh dear.. Then your more 'pussey whipped' than your tiny mind can begin to comprehend!!

Your probably the type Cat 'owner, who for no aparent reason, will go into the Kitchen & 'decide' to fill a bowl with Milk, because:
''my little cutey looks thirsty''!!?
( I use the term 'owner' lightly, because obviously, who owns who, is rather more blurred in your case!!).

My Cat, thinks he's Telepathic, but the trouble with him is....
He's not!!
Or is that what he wants me to believe?!!
He's definitely not.. I just don't think he understands the concept frankly!

Either that or he's more into the Art of Hypnosis?!.. Waiting for us to get into a relaxed state of Slumber, then meowing in a rythmic pattern, attampting to atune our minds...

Unfortunately, I thinks thats far to sophisticated for him..
I mean, he sleeps on his back, with his head hanging off the Sofa, like he enjoys the blood rushing to his head!
He goes mental for reflected light or laser pens, needs a 'large cat' cat flap & when we dish out Catfood, he'll check the other Cats bowl as if to see if its the same food.. Unlike the other 100a of times before?!

Gypsys

As if occupying land without proper licence, authority or paying taxes, wasn't enough...
Now Gypsys have managed to stake a claim in our homes!! on various TV programs!!!
It seems, since Paddy won the hearts of many whislt in the Big Bro house, it has opened the flood-gates to a whole new platform of Pikey-TV!!
For which I'm sure a Gypsy or two are making none taxed income from!!

Having now been subjected to watching & hearing about these programs... these mild violations on the rest of society, being introduced to this strange world of:
Shiny black shoes,
Incomprehensible conversations,
New cars,
Weird gatherings of dolled up-ness,
& strange territorial fights, which frankly are ironically unnecessary, because they don't actually pay or own the facking land!!

Come to think of it, Gypsys are very similar to Cats..
We class them as vermin, but we allow them into our home...
They both fight for territory, which actually isn't theirs & frankly, sometimes they fight for no conceivable reason...
They both are capable of multiplying rapidly & generally, when they leave an area looking like crap, we clean it up after them & do not charge for the cursity!!

Men cooking a 'romantic' meal

I'll let you all into a little hidden fact..... We men are secretly ~~ hopeless romantics!!
I know.. I know.. you would never have guessed it!! What with our innate ability to wake ourselves up by way of colonic-trumpitiering!!
Despite our obviously graceful bedtime antics, we do secretly like to wooo our lady.. (Or man.. I'm not a gay-ist..)
However, like Supermans criptinite.. Something is built deep within our genes, which generally makes us useless baffons..
Who, like Aid to Africa ~~ means well..
But honestly, doesn't really work out now..Does it!!
As a prerequisite to this, at times, we men attempt to do something for our lady.. We say we'll make them a wonderful dinner, with our fair hands, from scratch... one of wonder, delight & infinite beauty..
Which, we hope, will at least be nice enough & none-poisinous enough, to ensure a sexually eventful evening ensues...
Strangely, this is where our Baffonary kicks in..
(yes, to all you English Lit grads.. I may have just made that word up... And what!! Like Amazeballs is a real word!!)
We, in the past have maybe attempted to follow a cook book for some idea of what to do..
However, our vaild excuse for no longer utilising this medium is...
We have no room for one, nor do we actually intend to ever read it again!!
So, you might think we turn to the internet... But no, we.. Sorry our inflated male egos decide, that despite still burning toast on a regular basis, we caughy enough Jamie Oliver & Saturday Kitchen to conjure up a dish of our own!!
Then comes the trip to the supermarket for the ingrediants to our heavenly dish...
In classic fashion, we leave this to the last minute.. Enviously because iur ego has faith in our ability to magically grab what we need..
In reality, almost as soon as we enter the supermarket, our superpowers evade us & we're left feeling like the outter shell of Stephen Hawkins;
A dribbling, disabled shadow of humanbeing!!
It will inevitably come down to three basic choices:
*Pre-Made meals for two.
*Something we can bung the oven & top with a professional sauce.
*Take-away.
The first & third are usually chosen by the obese or lazy as shit..
The second is the 'best-selling' choice that most men go with..

Why.. Well, in our hugely oversized & underused brains.. We see this as actually making something from scratch-ish...
We're able to control what goes with what & how it looks..
Or at least we attempt too..

If by some stroke of luck it all comes out okay.. Jackpot!!
Paradoxically though.. Even if it doesn't, we usually still get the Jackpot??
This is where the great book: Men are from Mars & Women can't comprehend logic is totally spot on!
(oh, wait, was it.. Women are from Venus.. Well.. Means the same thing)!

Deep within the uncomprehendable maze, that is, the women mind, despite the fact we've probably doomed them to a night of the shits..
They see our 'cute' attempt in the most simplist form: one of endearment...
Also, doing the washing up afterwards also helps!!

Usually the passionate consumation of physical love is help on by a lucky purchase of Chocolate perfitaroles..
Once this is over, the man will come clean & reveal he's didn't make it completely from scratch..
Essentially it was all Pre-mad..

Thing is personally, in 2012 Britain, I dunno how else you'd get Salmon?
Hire a bear to catch it for you??!!

Also.. I do wonder what the difference is, in, say, Antartica??
I would've thought bringing home, all the fresh ingredients is far to normal & totally unromantic?!
Maybe... The feat of getting a Dominos pizza delivered, still hot, is their romantic dinner for two??