Cooking programs

I hate cooking programs!!
I hate them because, although I enjoy watching them on a Saturday morning, when there is F all else to watch... I get hungry & want to cook the things that catch my eye..

Only thing is.. They are bloody liers!
It isn't a 'quick dish'.!!
A quick dish, is something I can make in a few minutes.. Like Omlette!!

How about a phonecall the day before.. Tell me what your making, so I can get the ingrediants!!
Coz, now, its mid morning on Saturday, i'm fucking starving, thamks to you & although I have food, I dont have the bloody food your making!
So, now I have to go down the shops & buy the stuff.. That takes an hour because, anybody knows, you can't just get what you need.. You might not know you need something until you see it.. So you have to zig-zag your way through the aisles.. Doubling back know & then, becasue the fuckers have swapped it all around again!!!

When I finally do get home & start cooking, I look in the oven.. But theres no pre-prepared chicken, like when the looj in their oven, having only just made it?!
I though this was part of the deal.. You make it, then before you cook it, you put it to one side, open the oven & theres the finished version!!!

So, now this 'quick!!! Dish!!!', is three hours in, my stomachs chewing on my intestines for sustinance & finally, my version of this allegedly 'quick dish' is done...

I sit down.. Tuck in &... Errrrr...
Its disgusting!! Even the Cat turns its nise up, like: Oh no, thats not even food anymore!!

So thats why I hate them!!
Why not, just show me how to make Ceriel.. Or Toast, covered in butter!!
Bastards!

Modern Armed Forces

These days... The younger generations communicate almost soley by social media, text & BB..
No longer do they call, leave a message on the answer phone saying call back.. Insteas they text & say txt back..

Thing is, in the not so distant future we're in danger of having an Armed Forces that will have adopted these text slang inti their communication.

No longer will soldiers speaking on walky talkys say:
'over'
They'll say:
'lol'

Ways to Burn Calories

I read an article today... 7 ways to burn 100calories..
(god i'm getting old, calling a page in 'Mens Fitness magazine' an article)!

The fastest, at 5minutes: Running
The slowest, at 51 minutes:Sex.

But in fact, I think they have this slightly wrong...

Firstly, most men..
Do all the physical work, despite the widely agreed statement, that they: 'don't clean the oven before sticking their Baguette inside'..

So, I presume in the Female Fitness magazine, a similar article might say Sex can burn 100 Calories in 3hours..

And actualy, whilst pretty much everyone can handle running for 5minutes (except Stephen Hawkins, although I bet he could have before he was confined to his Talky Walky Wheelchair, which FYI, was soo because Aliens probed a little too hard!!)..
Most able bodied men can manage it, but with Sex, they'd be lucky to last 51minutes over the course of a month!!

Stephen Hawkins doesn't have to worry about that... He'll obviously just pay someone to do his wife whislt wearing a Stephen Hawkin facemask....

Whitney Houston

Is it too early to reveal why Whitney Houston actually died??

Two words for you....
Bruce... Forsyth....
The old King of UK TV, has been secretly sucking the youth from other starts for years...

If you pay attention, you begin to find the pattern...
Heath Ledger dies = Bruce Forsyths takes in extra TV work...
Micheal Jacksin dies = Bruce Forsyth appears on more chat shows, flaunting new dance moves!?

Spa Etiquette ~ Old man G-string

If there is ever a time when the devils work of Text speak should be used.. It's now... OMG!
Seriously, I joined this gym recently, to get in shape & enjoy the delights of their 'Spa' facilities...
What I didn't bank on, nor did I ever think possible...
An Old Man, with the uncanny ability to clear the Jacuzzi just by his presence!...

I couldn't comment on whether he's ugly & he doesn't have the usual old man smell (dried out wee)...
He doe's have got a belly on him & is near 6ft tall.... Must be 60-70 years old or so....

Yet he wears an array of flamboyant ~ male, Speedo G-strings!!!!

It's a sight!! Which despite the horror ~ you struggle not to look at....
A mirage of disgust, wonder & oddly ~ joy?.. come over you...
I defy anyone who see's this, not to smile... You can't help but grin, like the Pope at a Pre-School!!!

It's like sneezing with your eyes open.... you just can't ~ it's impossible!!
Well unless you don't have eyelids?
Chances are though, if you don't have eyelids, your eyes would just pop out!
Might explain why you don't see anyone eyelid-less...!!??

You know what...
If I ran the gym, I'd promote him as an attraction... £15 per person..
People would come from far & wide, just to bare witness to this clearly disturbing, yet satisfactory sight!!

I said before, about his uncanny ability to clear the Jacuzzi, just by his presence...
The G-String thing, most people can cope with, once he's under the water, you can forget about it.. sort of...
But, not only doe's this OAP wear a disturbing Leopard Print G-String...
No, no, no... that would be too.... normal...
He has to take his abuse of Gym Etiquette to completely new level!!

When he enters the Jacuzzi ~ he opts to position himself in the area were you can lay down...
I myself, enjoy laying on my back, closing my eyes & relaxing, whilst the water bubbles around me....
He ~ lays on his front!!
One presumes, the vigorous bubbles tickle his old wrinkly ball-sack!?
But, what makes it worse...
(which by the way every person who's witnessed this, now has etched onto their memories....)
Is the sight of his bare cheeks... sticking out of the water...
With only the thin G-String.. string.. to cover his crack... You need to wash yourself after just to feel clean!

It's like he gets a kick from knowing everyone has seen his package & tries to finish himself off by letting the bubbles get to work on his member, whilst he moves, slowly, up & down, in a feeble attempt to hide what he's doing!! He knows the recommended time for Jacuzzi is 20minutes & he goes to town...

Anyone with sense, get's the fuck out!!
Let's face it.. it's uncomfortable seeing what I've describe.... But worse, not being able to look away!!
Worse than that... nobody wants to sit in a Jacuzzi full of OAP Jizz!!!! do they?!!

At the end of the day, I can't say I blame him....
When your paying £70 a month to use the facilities...
I guess, the least the Jacuzzi should do, is relax you like a Thai massage parlour does!!

Amsterdam

If you go to Amsterdam, your either Smoke'n or Poke'n.....

Pay-Out to Asylum Seekers

£1m awarded to 40 child Asylum seekers, because they were detained as adults?!! Thats £25k each.. If they're children, just give them sweets as compensation!

I know why, because theres a bunch of high paid lawyers making a living of the increasing trend.. Funny that another £1m was paid for charges incurred...

Guardian news paper link:
http://m.guardian.co.uk/uk/2012/feb/17/home-office-payout-child-asylum-seekers?cat=uk&type=article

When did the good old British apology get thrown out the window?
Seemingly for large payouts?!
Ironic, that, we're known for being Hugh Grant like, polite & apologetic about anything.... Know we're regulary giving cash prizes to Asylum seekers, if they find the right lawer!

Whats the difference in being detained as an adult anyway?
Most kids around the ages of 14-16 want to been seen as adults...
They'd get to stay up past bedtime, play 18 rated games on the PS3s supplied by tax payers & swear as much as they like!!