Microwaves variable power?

Why do microwaves bother with anymore than one setting...
I've never picked up an item to microwave that asks me to put it on Low or Medium!

Hospitals are so sexist

Hospitals are so sexist man...
They let women get naked in the birthing pools and say nothing when the go potty in there..
But you try being a man and doing that, oh no.. They go chicken oriental!
They like:
"Sir what do you think your doing"
"You can't be in here Sir"
"OMG, did he just... Urgh.. Floater!!!!"
"Security!!!"

I'm like:
"why you carrying me away Mr Security man, those Nurses are the ones being out of order... Equal rights and all that!!"
"I know that wasn't my partners birthing pool but she wasn't ready yet & needed to poo"

Fathers Day

For all past puberty, today is a day to remember all the lost sperm who got flushed down a toilet or trapped forever in a condom, in a sock or squirted back out of a vagina...

To all those lost sperm who were with me in that epic race to the egg some 28 years ago...
HaHa, loosers!! L-oo-se-rs
I won, you lost... :-p

Please, lets all take a moment of silence for our past comrades..

Also, when do we get that No#1 Trophy?

Nightmare or is it?! Penis turns into Elephant Trunk!!

Accents: American vs British - Aluminum vs Aluminium

HELP FOR HEROES CHARITY | Chrisitian Around Britain | Craigs April Challenge

HOW ANIMALS EAT THEIR FOOD

EEL UP ARSE IN CHINA & MAN UTDs PHIL JONES FACE (WEIRD WORLD NEWS)

Margaret Thatcher is dead but not yet forgotten

Introduction to YouTube channel: Craig Thomas Talks

Margaret Thatcher gone but far from forgotten

Ding dong the perm is gone!!
You could call her one of the most controversial politicians of our time...

Many like to call her quite a few things:
Witch
Vampire
Bitch

Others herald her as the beacon of change:
The Iron Lady
Economy Saviour
Baroness

What are your views, thoughts and feeling about her?
(leave a comment below & share/+1)

Some people got confused with a Twitter HashTag...
#nowthatchersdead
Thinking Cher was dead!!
Unfortunately for all you manly men, not that lucky this time...
But fortunately for all you more femanine men, yay, the queen of queens lives on!!

Vblog, Craig Thomas Talks about being complicated & shares an old video diary from way back

NHS Boob job

All hail the NHS & free Boobies for everyone!! yay
So you've probably come across Josie Cunningham in the News this week?!
The Wannabe Katie Price who manage to get some 36DD's paid for by the Taxpayer!!

For anyone out there reading this & thinking; 'what is this NHS'?
Maybe your American or from another Nationality (I'm not racist, but I like winning races!!)...
Maybe you just awoke from Coma (yay for you BTW)...

The NHS, is a service in Britain (UK), paid for by the Tax payers of Britain...
The letters, N.H.S stand for:-
Nice  Honkers  Surgery
oh.. no.. wait.. sorry it's:

Nipple  Hump  Supersizers


no..no.. sorry.. no.. it's:
National  Hooter  Service

Hang on.... no.. It's more general than that... 

Ah yes - it's National Health Service.

Obviously you can see my confusion?!..

As now it seems that when you fancy a boob job - you just get down the Doctors & wham - you get a prescription for some free Titties!! 

That's around an average of £5k stuck onto your chest FREE!!

Not even that guy from the Safe Style Window can beat that (ya know; ''I said ya buy 1, ya get 1 free'').

No wonder we have problem with people coming to Britain to take advantage of our benefits!!

I imagine the people making the rules to allow these free-titties must be Men...!!! 

or Lesbians!!

Actually, their probably part of Jimmys old crew... 

But these lot play the clever game & put the person under General Anesthetic first - so no memory of the events & that's not even the best part....

The best part is:

The Patient thinks they've had implants put in, but really it's just bucket loads of 'Dirty Old Man Spunk'..

It's amazing that in Britain, you can Back problems, that may hinder your physical life, possibly influence the kind of job you can or cannot do & even psychologically damage you (in various ways)...

Do you get referred for NHS treatment?

No!! Do ya fuck!

''Here's some painkillers & anti-inflammatorys.. Oh & that's £15 for them drugs by the way', ta...''

But you must get offered some Physio, Chiropractic or Osteopathic treatment to help identify & heal it?

Nope... You can go earn some money & pay for that your bloody self!!!

The cheek of it... Fancy thinking you could get proven treatment to help aid/fix an actual ailment!

But fancy some Tits... Sure, here ya go.. enjoy... Just keep your back straight!!

Test drive - Nissan Juke Nismo

So I booked a test drive with the Nissan Juke Nismo, today, at the local dealership: Fish Brothers..

It's safe to say the well groomed man in a suit, who hesitantly greeted me at the desk, took one look at me, my baby face & then heard my man voice (take the word man with a cube of sarcasm) - before deciding he'd in fact not give me the £20k+ Nissan Juke Nismo to play with, but rather opt to plant me with one of the more standard models...
To be fair, I can't say I blame him, it was an accurate (although despcriminating) assumption; that I would not posses the funds to actually purchase a Nismo.. But still, other than the fact I booked it & was looking forward to a little thrill on a Saturday, I had also washed, shaved, put on clean underpants, non-creased clothes & even sported my expensive boots in a vein attempt to look like I could in fact afford it!!
(Before any of you twisted readers get too arroused, when I say boots, I am not referring to the red, shiny leather fuck me boots that ride as high as thighs & I certainly wasnt in a pair of hot pants -- oh god, I just gave the twisted sickos, the inspiration they needed, oh well, that ones on me you dirty fucks! Just for the record I have tan River Island man boots & had grey chinos on!! Not so slutty/bumboy esc now hey!!)

Interestingly enough; for some reason, when I turned up, I actually did feel like I was breaking the law for wanting to test drive the Nismo...? I felt like a 14 year old asking for Vodka at the local corner shop...
Psychology is a funny old business isn't it..
Strange as it's not like i try drive sporty cars all the time, just for a thrill...

I'm not some serial test drive fanatic who gets off on test driving as many cars as he can, in fact I've never test driven a car in my life... 

But for some reason, today, I felt like I was a serial test driver wierdo & suitman knew it!!
Oddly enough though, they never checked my credentials?

Which coincedently neither did the corner shop at 14!! 

(( On that note: It's a shame really, as we're all becomming more & more paranoid about ourselves, with situations becoming such, that we start to question whether we are situation weirdos!! When I say that I mean people these days make so many initial negative assumptions about others & somehow in certain situations you even question yourself::

It's a bit like when you innocently smile at a strangers kid, in the back of their mind, your a predator eyeing up its pray & you can sense it, which in turn make you feel like you are & then you rush away awkwardly - which actually makes you look even more like a depraved sexual predator!!
BTW: Thanks Jimmy Saville for really shitting on everyones innocence!! ))

Getting back to the story:

I suppose if I knew more about cars & hadn't felt like I wasn't really allowed to test the Nismo (even though I'm fully entitled too), I probably would have noticed it definately wasn't a Nismo & demanded one be presented too my feet immediately, but insted I assumed it might be, although subconciously I knew it wasnt.. Ahh the beuty of the human mind.. You can just pretend...

A bit like we used to with my Metro - we used to roll the windows down & then make the sound of a sports cars changing gear...

So, well played to the suitman, he probably evaluated me & decided i was passive aggressive, so wouldn't casue a scene, then masterminded an awkward situation to ensure I drove what he wanted me to drive..

He did this by dissapearing & then allocating the dealerships eye-candy to supervise the drive, with no introduction or knowledge of the car, it made it difficult for me to actually identify the car & even if I had, how could I retain my man pride had I wanted to kick up a fuss... I'd just look a dick!

Lucky for me, I'm easy going & not one to bare a grudge, I was happy enough to drive whatever Juke the keys eye-candy just handed to me...

Plus, I am in fact 'passive aggressive', so in some way, I knew I'd then write about it & consider doing the very British thing & writing a letter of complaint (which by the way, I think we should all do by way of typewriter & wax sealed envelope - it's really the only way to complain)...

By the way, I'd tell you their names, rather than just labelling them  'suitman' & 'eye-candy', but as neither introduced themselves after I had......

Well... in the words of Snoop Dogg::: "tough shizzle" 

They get nick names & BTW: I can spell my name in a rap just like Snoop does: ''c.r.a.i.g - ain't another motherfucker on tha planet like me''....

So, anyway:

I politely get in the car & begin the initial checks (you know, the ones your driving instructor teaches you - not the other checks we all do) whilst eye-candy moves another car out of the way (at which point I did soo wish for the radio to play Ludacris: Move bitch get out the way)...
But as this is real life, I just re-adjust my mirrors, check my pedal distance, put the heating on & awkwardly wait for her to return - not knowing whether I should just step on it!!
(( & yeah, thats right, I can spell my name like a badass in a rap, but I'm all over safety & that's some real gangster shizzle!! ))

Then, we set off & it's always a bit wierd driving a different car from your own isn't it..!?
I mean; I didn't struggle with the Juke, but my ability with the clutch seemed awful, over-revving etc...

Even I thought I couldn't drive properly...
But, I pulled away fine & actually had no other difficulties along thw way.

The Juke is pretty spacious, has great visability & I didn't feel lost in knowing where all the controls where...

To be fair to eye-candy, she was quite personable & I should think, usually she doesn't get all that much conversation from the customers.... so at first it was quiet...
Oddly, I felt a bit like a Taxi driver..

You know - you get in a taxi with the initial pleasantries of hello & the directions of where to go, but then there's silence as the passenger engages with their mobile phone over a real person..
I'm guilty too.. I do that most of the time...
Usually, I'm just in the wrong mood to be talkative...

Other times I feel paranoid about what conversation to have...
I mean; taxi drivers must have the same five conversations all day long, so you want to try mix it up!!
Otherwise you just end up with the same five topics:-
Weather
Destination
How busy he/she is
What time he/she started
Traffic

You never dare ask something more personal, like;

what their aspirations are or what they do in their spare time etc...
Maybe if we all did that more often, that Swindon Taxi driver who killed a bunch if women, wouldnt have gone unnoticed for so long!! He might have crumbled under the power of conversation or let it slip...?!
Anyway, being me I brought the level of political correctness down a notch with some offbeat comments & with that the conversation became less of chore, culminating in some funny moments...
One from me asking about her role at the dealership, where she shared that she was basically the meet & greeter / test drive passenger & that she wasn't very sales oriented...

Although the word 'oriented' posed a slight pronunciation poblem, which a bit like a yawn, transfered to me when I attempted the word also & then decided to advise eye-candy to just replace the word with the phrase: salesy walesy  (which showed the level of my intellect) & softened the atmosphere...
As we came to the end of the drive, it turned out we were actually the same age, I had proudly shared my recent marriage to my wife, my recent baby news & eye-candy let it slip that she called her partner 'her man' & he called her 'his woman'...
Funnily enough, it came about from a question directed to me, about how old my wife was.

As eye-candy stumbled to choose which word starting with W to use, ending up with Women - which I found hilariously funny & quite like 'caveman' speak - which aparently her girlfriends had said when they heard the use of woman!!
What a small & wonderful world...

You know what, I think I may just become a serial test driver after all...

I mean you get to drive pretty much any car & can potentially have an unusual conversation with a complete stranger, whilst getting to feel like a taxi driver working for free, but also not using your own petrol or car...

Christian Around Britain - Shame on British Media

Did you know there is a guy walking the entire coast of Britain, sleeping rough & battling the weather everyday, just to raise money for Charity??!
Shame on UK media & the people in general!!
The media believes the public are more bothered about subjects like:
The smell of Kim Kardashians poo &
whether Justin Bieber has a fever!!!

This is an epic journey & has already raised £18k with relatively no national media coverage!!
Thw journey will take 2 years & he still over half of that left to go!!
Where's the Media?
They should be on this everyday/everyweek!
Where's his medical attention (like when celebraties do stuff..
Where's the Red Nose Day esc harrassement for money!?
Where's the Nations support?!
I tell you where.. It's all stuck up its on arse!!

Deep Trauma

Dirty Jokes ~ Elephant Trunk

I'll share a dream/nightmare of mine..

I wake up one morning to find my Penis has transformed into an Elephants Trunk!!
Seems fantastic at the time, coz I can move it around with surprising dexterity!!
I lay in bed, butt naked
*****
which by the way, why do we call it that?: "butt naked"
Why not:
"nipple naked"
Or:
"Dick naked"....
*****

So I waste like an hour, giggling & applauding myself at the new tricks my Trunkilly can do (see what o did there) like;
Play dead
Snake impressions
& pointing like a retriever!!

Then I get up, still, dick naked
(does that work??)
& go wash my face in the sink
(or basin if your posh)...
(or puddle if your homeless)...
Alarmingly (but histerically funny too), my trunks natural reaction to the water filled basin, is to suck the water up and spray it over me!!
(which, whilst being a bit like a water fight as a kid, also feels a little like I've inadvertently molested myself!?)

Immature

When someone tells me you Immature...
Their really just trying to tell you what they are...
"I'm Mature"

Homophobia & Fatty Fat Fat people

So if we're all saying being Fat is a disease, not just a cause of being a greedy fat fuck!!
Are Homophobic people, also suffering from a disease...? & not just being a knobhead!!
Also;-
Do Homophobes ever enter their house through the back door?
Are they sick at the sight of it...
Do they dry hurl when witnessing another man entering it?
Are they afraid of the colour Brown?
Is that why some people prefer to paint their Fence Green?
Do they prefer loose fitting clothes to tight ones (that's a pun on the tightness of your poo-hole!)

Normal VS Racist

Here's a look at how a normal person & a racist might react differently..

So, on the back of a Fair Trade, African chocolate bar, it's described as:
''delicate, dark & smooth"

A normal person might cheekily reply to that like:
"just how I like my women"

A racist might reply to that like:
"Sounds lovely, but I'm not touching something a bunch of darkies made!"
or
A slightly less racist might reply:
"just how I like to see people in prison"