HELP FOR HEROES CHARITY | Chrisitian Around Britain | Craigs April Challenge

Homophobia & Fatty Fat Fat people

So if we're all saying being Fat is a disease, not just a cause of being a greedy fat fuck!!
Are Homophobic people, also suffering from a disease...? & not just being a knobhead!!
Also;-
Do Homophobes ever enter their house through the back door?
Are they sick at the sight of it...
Do they dry hurl when witnessing another man entering it?
Are they afraid of the colour Brown?
Is that why some people prefer to paint their Fence Green?
Do they prefer loose fitting clothes to tight ones (that's a pun on the tightness of your poo-hole!)

So, are the BNP just misunderstood or a bunch of Racists

Jimmy Savill will break yours for you

When the bog roll breaks!!!

It's happens us all...
Your minding your own, cleaning up after a number 2, when horror rears its head...
The bog roll breaks & a finger or two slips through!!

Now, I'll tell you what guys do at this point.
Guys check said finger visually to assess which Defcon number to declare...
(for any women or non sci fi ppl, Defon is the US Militaries way of easily determining how serious a threat they are encountering, the table goes from 1 - 5... This arguably isn't enough number to clearly assess a threat, but its possible the general US army population are brainless enough to warrant such a simple table)...

Anyway, once a guys done a quick visual check.. His brain decides that isn't quite enough & calls for a more intimate encounter...
This being a smell test...
The first whiff positively concluded the Brown substance is poo..
However a guys brain is so overcome, it has a fit & requests a second smell test...
Which reveals in fact.... It's still poo..

Now for ladies, its a bit different..
I'll tell you what happens...
Nothing happens..
Because women dont poo!!
Fact is, when they go into the toilet its for 3 reasons only..
Make-Up
Girly chats
and
To clean

Low battery.. Your out of luck!

Superstitious people have a thing about the number 13.. Wonder if they freak out when their mobile battery's at 13%!! What do they think happens next?! Will it blow up... melt... or eat them!? Either way, I'm sure they'll be shit out of luck! Well, at least until is changes to 12%!!

Spark plugs

Some spark plugs were in a bar..
They'd had a few too many & were getting a bit feisty..
They went to the bar to order more drinks.. The Barman said they should calm down, but the spark plugs insisted on more drink.
The Barman agreed but only if they promised not to start anything..

Finish what you start

Someone once said, you'll always feel better if you finish what you start...

So next time I needed to fart,
I pushed a little harder
& I did feel better...
So I continued to push & let it all out..
If only for a split second, I felt great,
before realising the true nature of what I'd done!!!!

My Nan always said to wear a clean pair of underpants when walking down the street.
However, she didn't tell me the protocol for doing a dump in my clean underpants, whilst having no available clean ones!!!

Do you fashion some underwear from Toilet paper, like you've Mummy-fied your meat & veg???
or
Do you just whip all the lower clothing off & continue your day naked from the waist down?

Finish what you start

Someone once said, you'll always feel better if you finish what you start...

So next time I needed to fart,
I pushed a little harder
& I did feel better...
So I continued to push & let it all out..
If only for a split second, I felt great,
before realising the true nature of what I'd done!!!!

My Nan always said to wear a clean pair of underpants when walking down the street.
However, she didn't tell me the protocol for doing a dump in my clean underpants, whilst having no available clean ones!!!

Do you fashion some underwear from Toilet paper, like you've Mummy-fied your meat & veg???
or
Do you just whip all the lower clothing off & continue your day naked from the waist down?

Ambitious Statement....

Slightly Ambitius & Sweeping statement there... Not sure Cancer & AIDS victims would totally agree... Ones starts from inside, the other starts from something being inside you!!! Nasty...

Wrinkles, Mans new enemy!!

Me man! Me rub expensive, Jizz-like substance on Face!!
Kill wrinkle... Give man silky skin...
Like rubbing baby bottom..
Not in Peido way..
Me CRB check clear..

You know, the Ironic thing about buying products to reduce wrinkles...??
You get so caught up in the fight against aging, that you end up finding way more wrinkles, when checking to see if the wonder cremes are working!!
Yet that little voice in your head says: but it might be working...

Also, if you get a big pot of it & dunk your ball-sack in it daily, would it make them look silky smooth..
Or at least, less like you had a Turkey's neck attached to replace your original sack, after a horrible accident involving a Dyson Turbine Head!!
Having mistaken it's intention due to words... Turbine... Head...

In a recent poll, the majority claimed that Dyson not as sensual as a Henry!!
Good old Henry! Does it with a smile!!
And he keeps eye contact!!
That's right Henry, look up at me too, you know you love it...!!

But Dysons outrageous claim:
"No loss of suction"
is clearly too alluring for any teenage man... In fact, any man for that matter!!"

Baby gifts

A friend of mine, just had a baby boy...
So I went online to look for a gift...
Found the great website:
NotOnTheHighStreet
Whilst looking at all the personalised gifts available, it came down to two things..
A letter train (speeling his name)
or
A sail boat with his name & d.o.b...

Usually I'd flip a coin, but in this instance it occured to me, that one of thw items could be seen as slightly racist?!
With my friend being of Middle East origin, the possible racist innuendo made my decision easier to make, I thought::

" I can't go giving them a boat... I may as well join the BMP, make a banner that says something like; get back on the boat & go home, then burn Jelly Babies coz they're a simbol of multiculturalism!!"

So, I got the train....

If the shoe fits...

Saying I look retarded?
Well, If the shoe fits, point & laugh!!

It's hard when you come from.. let's say.. a less affluent part of town... Most people judge you, usually negatively..
They have a preconception..
A bit like, if the shoe fits...
We have a saying.....
If the shoe fits.. steal it!!

The Real China

Just seen a shop called: The Real China.
Slightly ambitious!!
Claiming the Country of China is less real!!