Fathers Day

For all past puberty, today is a day to remember all the lost sperm who got flushed down a toilet or trapped forever in a condom, in a sock or squirted back out of a vagina...

To all those lost sperm who were with me in that epic race to the egg some 28 years ago...
HaHa, loosers!! L-oo-se-rs
I won, you lost... :-p

Please, lets all take a moment of silence for our past comrades..

Also, when do we get that No#1 Trophy?

Jimmy Savill will break yours for you

Santa

Merry Crimbomas!!
Santa didn't bring me shit!!
Thank god!!
Last year was embarrassing..
Catching him in my living room, trousers round his ankles, deep squatting, reading his list & laying a stinker under ny tree!!

Can't blame him..
What do we all expect after that many Sherrys and Mince Pies!!
Someone is getting a drunken minced pie poo, that's what we should expect!!

Cheerleading

Did you know has Cheerleading has been found to be the sport with the most inquires...
To be fair, I'm not surprised...
There must be an aweful lot of injuries sustained from Wives hitting Husbands after they look for a little too long..

Rappers Violence

What is it with these Rapper types & violence?
They're always going on about it...
You know: hitting this & that...
Seems they also fight dirty saying stuff like:
"Hit that, right on the floor..."

Baby Santa

Do you think when Santa was born, he came out with a full beard, red cheeks & a half eaten Mince Pie whilst pulling a sack full of presents from his cord!!

Big Brother

Why watch people sleeping!?
If I wanted to watch random people sleep, I'd do a bit of B&E...
At least you get to take some memorabilia with you... ;-)

Trick or Retreat

See many trick or treaters lastnight?!
No...
Neither did we..
Apparently the weather was too bad..
Ahh, boo hoo...
Kids these days.. pusseys!!
No commitment...

Cheeglets

Writers block?
Here's a little game I like to play to just mess around & help find something to write stupid stuff about...

So basically, you need to come up with two words or things, completely random, they can be related or unrelated, whatever..

For example...
Cheese
Piglets

Now you make one word out of the two, ideally keeping the essence of each word..

Like..
Cheeglets...

Now come up with what this might be...

My Cheeglets could be a new food...
Piglets coated in Cheese...

Hold their freshness not by Foil bags, but by dunking live piglets into hot cheese..

I'm not inhuman...
I'd blindfold them first..

The best kept secret of humankind !!!!

It's almost a mythological whisper... One of the best kept secrets in the history of humankind... Here & now, I'll unravel one of the darkest truths, hidden away & never spoke of.... But first I'll long it out.. Attempting to build tension & wonder.... For centuries men have experienced the rath of women going through what's commonly known as:- 'The menstral cycle' 'That time of the month' 'The Blob' 'Don't piss your mother off, she'll kill us!' 'The decorators are in' 'On the Rag' 'Bloodsport Olympics' 'Eww, you pervert, no I don't want to' 'Oh come on, we can play Vampires' 'She's... Well.. you know.. Plugged up. Since the dorn of time, men have been on a long.. long.. road of learning about this once ancient phenomenon... Like a never ending Yellow brick road..... A never ending Red blood clotted brick road... of anger & terror... If you will... The first discovered recording of this... one of man's greatest struggles... Was never truely revealed.. Until now.. No sound... Well... Use your imagination... DUNN!!--DUNN!!--DUNNNNN!! It was a painting found on the walls of an ancient cave... They say they couldn't translate it... But It's as clear as day.... Some poor old Caveguy lost his freaking mind with all the crazy outbreaks of moods & swinging of weapons in his general direction!! Unfortinately for him, the reason for such outbreaks of anger in his woman would not be discovered for many, many moons.. The knowledge of the human body was very basic.. They knew that when their belly and bum rumbled at the same time, all shit was about to break loose!! ((Pun)) Because their food & water source would likely have meant the suffered from diarrhea... ((Geek Pun...)) They also knew, when hitting a rock in your cave... With your little Toe.. it really hurts!!! So you smash stupid rock with other rock!! Which unfortunately will be the next Rock to invconveniance your morning!! So you smash rock with other rock... And so the cycle carries on.. Well, until tools where made... Then you smash rock with primitive hammer... Which then caused an awefull lot of sore thumbs!! But what they didn't understand was the strangely coincidental 28 moons cycle between each 3-5 moons, when their females bled uncontrollably from where the one eyed snake goes to lay his eggs.. Played silly buggers with a females mind.. So the poor Caveguy who went absolutely mental, was talented enough to decorate his cave with a painting... Well a sort of stickman drawing of an angry female, waving a weapon in a fit of rage, with a smeer of red to the lower body. Eventually, humankind would put the dots together.. Men would learn not to beat their women... Well, beat her less anyway... And he years would pass, when eventually, a time came when men wouldnt dream of beating their women... In this age of time (the present day), when tipy toed of egg shells around women who were going through this unfortunate freak of necessary nature & evolution.. However, this isn't the best kept secret if humankind... Oh no... Whilst women go through this cycle & even when their not, men have evolved to take the verbal abuse & do their best... Then, every now and then, men just blow their top... In the past, they'd gone down their local & tell the lads how'd had enough of her indoors!! ''I tell ya lads, I've had it up to ere with her.indoors!!" These days it still happens & there's a pattern... Studies show, around every few weeks men around he word just loose it.. Buts its a general view that men are inconsiderate bastards who dont care how women feel & are punished for loosing it... Men have been luered into this train of thought.... Buying sorry gifts to dig themselves out of he dog house.. This my friends is the best kept secret of humankind.. The male menstral cycle!! That's right, men have a version if their own too... But its been cleverly kept under raps whilst regular female emotion wrecks around the world hide behind their menstrual cycle, getting away with murder, not having to buy sorry gifts... Well now the secrets out there... Oh how the tables shall turn... Slightly...

Technology abuse..

In a recent Technology conference, Nerds revealed that soon, Mobile phones will so advanced, putting one in your front trouser pocket, could be classed as sexual abuse!!
The phone might even contact the police by itself:
"Help, he fingered me! Then he put me next to his thing & made me stay there for hours... He leaves me on Vibrate too!!"

Day out at the dentists

I visited the dentist recently & noticed something very peculiar...
Was it just coincidence?

First off I had a clean up...
I was sent upstairs & a Chinese women in a Dentist uniform greated me...
Don't worry, I hadn't booked a Thai Massarge by mistake...
She showed me to the chair & then to my suprise another dentist came in..
This time a Hispanic female Dentist..
Don't worry, I definately wasn't at some weird Dentist fantasy whore house..

The tools came out & my teeth were counted & the plaque was chipped away..
I could see the disgust on the Chinese women's face as she struggled to suck he blood with that little Hoover that gets stuck to your tongue...

After they'd finished, they recommend I see the Hygienist...
I booked in right away & it turns out the Hygienist is also a women...
I'm not being sexist by the way..
I wasn't shocked or anything..
This time though she was British..

The coincidental irony (see how I got the word dental into that)...
The irony is that the treatment I had by the Hispanic & Chinese duo, which lasted about 15minutes longer than the Brisith treatment, was about half he cost..

Altough just as stereotypes would suggest, the Hispanic treatments results were not as polished as the British, so I guess you get what you pay for...

But does that transfer in the same way when booking an 'Escort'??

Finish what you start

Someone once said, you'll always feel better if you finish what you start...

So next time I needed to fart,
I pushed a little harder
& I did feel better...
So I continued to push & let it all out..
If only for a split second, I felt great,
before realising the true nature of what I'd done!!!!

My Nan always said to wear a clean pair of underpants when walking down the street.
However, she didn't tell me the protocol for doing a dump in my clean underpants, whilst having no available clean ones!!!

Do you fashion some underwear from Toilet paper, like you've Mummy-fied your meat & veg???
or
Do you just whip all the lower clothing off & continue your day naked from the waist down?

Finish what you start

Someone once said, you'll always feel better if you finish what you start...

So next time I needed to fart,
I pushed a little harder
& I did feel better...
So I continued to push & let it all out..
If only for a split second, I felt great,
before realising the true nature of what I'd done!!!!

My Nan always said to wear a clean pair of underpants when walking down the street.
However, she didn't tell me the protocol for doing a dump in my clean underpants, whilst having no available clean ones!!!

Do you fashion some underwear from Toilet paper, like you've Mummy-fied your meat & veg???
or
Do you just whip all the lower clothing off & continue your day naked from the waist down?

Accidental Racism

We have a habit of shortening words or phrases. Some parts of the Country even have their own meaning for the same word!! Unfortunately, the beauty of the English language falls apart when a certain combination of words are put together, that also have a potentially racist inclination!
Like, in a brief conversation I had with someone recently... I asked what he was upto this weekend..
Now, bare in mind, this chap is a; White, British male, slightly bald, & enjoys riding powerfull - loud motorbikes, you can understand why; despite him not being in any way racist, his reply couldsound a little suspicious:
"Oh, Paking with a bunch of Brownies"....
Now, for those of you who are not at all outdoorsy: 'Paking' is short for 'Back-Packing'.... And for anyone who really needs to know: 'Brownies' are not a bunch of Indian or other Dark skinned race..
In fact, they are the lesser skilled version of Girl Guides...
Although, I'm sure nowadays, with all the P.C awareness & overblown worrying, the term: 'Brownies' has been abandoned...
I can't for the life if me think why??

Strangely, the boys version if these outdoor persuit groups are called:
Beavers (for the youngsters) & Scouts (for the older,.more experienced)...
Personally, why we opted to call the young boys group, Beavers rather than the girls.. because... well.... do I really need to spell it out?!!
Saying that, I don't think calling the young boys, Brownies would assist in their upbringing.. As... Well... Wouldn't you as an outsider, have teased them on being a bunch of Bum-bandits?!
Come on: Brownies...?!
Stealing eachothers fudge!