Getting old

You can tell your getting old when:
A reason for being short if breath is, because you need a poo!!

Technology abuse..

In a recent Technology conference, Nerds revealed that soon, Mobile phones will so advanced, putting one in your front trouser pocket, could be classed as sexual abuse!!
The phone might even contact the police by itself:
"Help, he fingered me! Then he put me next to his thing & made me stay there for hours... He leaves me on Vibrate too!!"

Teenage lingo..

With every generation comes new lingo..
But seriously, it can't just be that I'm growing older... The words are actually getting stranger.. with every year producing another plethora of 'wear our trousers down our ankles & show your boxers'... An abomination of human evolution is putting it nicely...

When you think they can't possibly think of any more words to needlessly create a new meaning for.. Along comes one of these human abominations, with a sentance that usually makes you think they just threw a bunch of words together.. like: "Girlem dench blood, true say, man's drawing that, init"

For most of us, you'd also be mistaken interpret that sentance & come up with the conclusion this Boxer showing Abomination has an artistic streek about him & is drawing something called a girlem..

When actually, what he's attempting to.convey is that there is a Girl he thinks is nice looking & believes she would date him...

The newest assault of words seems to have derived from a slightly more educated Boxer showing Abomination..
They have cleverly used the Golf term:
Par.. switching its use from a humble Golf scoring term, to how one describes something that is bad..
Like: True say, thats Par blood..

Mountain Chicken Frogs..??

These Rare Frogs, got their name (Mountain Chicken Frogs) when they were discovered to be
Scared of Mountains & likely heights too!!
Ironically they a bunch if them were Airlifted from a Caribbean Island, to save them from a highly infectious and deadly disease..
They have settled in nicely at London Zoo & are now getting freaky, breeding like mad!!
The critically-endangered Frogs were rescued from the Island of Montserrat as they faced extinction due to the rapid spread of the Chytrid fungus, the frogs version of syphilis...

The disease has devastated amphibian populations around the world, pushing many species to the edge of dying out.
Scientists airlifted 50 of the frogs to London, in a bid to protect their future, by developing a healthy population of the animals that could eventually be reintroduced to disease free areas of the Island.
Housed in a bio-secure, temperature-controlled breeding unit at the Zoological Society of London..
Which is likely funded in a similar way to many of the Asylum seekers now residing in the UK:::: by the Tax-payer...
In fact, Two of the rescued females have now produced 76 young, they have Sky TV, are getting driving lessons & all paid for by benefits..
The mothers laid eggs in a self-made foam nest, which they learnt how to make from Blue Peter.. They guarded them as they developed into tadpoles, which they then fed every three to five days with unfertilised eggs.
The offspring will be released back into a protected and disease-free area of the wild when they are fully grown.
Zoological Society of London curator of Herpetology, Dr Ian Stephen, said: "These frogs are one of the most endangered animals on the planet, facing a range of threats from habitat loss to over-hunting and, most notably, the spread of the chytrid fungus.
"To have increased their numbers by 76 individuals is an incredible achievement for ZSL London Zoo and an incredible lifeline for the mountain chicken frog."
"To say we're delighted by this accomplishment is an understatement to say the least."
A dozen of the 50 rescued frogs are being housed in a captive breeding unit at London Zoo, with the remainder split between units at the Durrell Wildlife Conservation Trust in Jersey and Parken Zoo in Sweden.

Phrase: Taking risks will teach you something new

Someone once said this phrase & it really stuck with me...
Putting to the test revealed, that indeed, this phrase is accurately put...
For instance, when taking the risk if closing ones eyes whilst driving on a country road, one learns that:
Airbags deploy fast!
and they feel like someone punched you in the face!!

Day out at the dentists

I visited the dentist recently & noticed something very peculiar...
Was it just coincidence?

First off I had a clean up...
I was sent upstairs & a Chinese women in a Dentist uniform greated me...
Don't worry, I hadn't booked a Thai Massarge by mistake...
She showed me to the chair & then to my suprise another dentist came in..
This time a Hispanic female Dentist..
Don't worry, I definately wasn't at some weird Dentist fantasy whore house..

The tools came out & my teeth were counted & the plaque was chipped away..
I could see the disgust on the Chinese women's face as she struggled to suck he blood with that little Hoover that gets stuck to your tongue...

After they'd finished, they recommend I see the Hygienist...
I booked in right away & it turns out the Hygienist is also a women...
I'm not being sexist by the way..
I wasn't shocked or anything..
This time though she was British..

The coincidental irony (see how I got the word dental into that)...
The irony is that the treatment I had by the Hispanic & Chinese duo, which lasted about 15minutes longer than the Brisith treatment, was about half he cost..

Altough just as stereotypes would suggest, the Hispanic treatments results were not as polished as the British, so I guess you get what you pay for...

But does that transfer in the same way when booking an 'Escort'??

Finish what you start

Someone once said, you'll always feel better if you finish what you start...

So next time I needed to fart,
I pushed a little harder
& I did feel better...
So I continued to push & let it all out..
If only for a split second, I felt great,
before realising the true nature of what I'd done!!!!

My Nan always said to wear a clean pair of underpants when walking down the street.
However, she didn't tell me the protocol for doing a dump in my clean underpants, whilst having no available clean ones!!!

Do you fashion some underwear from Toilet paper, like you've Mummy-fied your meat & veg???
or
Do you just whip all the lower clothing off & continue your day naked from the waist down?

Finish what you start

Someone once said, you'll always feel better if you finish what you start...

So next time I needed to fart,
I pushed a little harder
& I did feel better...
So I continued to push & let it all out..
If only for a split second, I felt great,
before realising the true nature of what I'd done!!!!

My Nan always said to wear a clean pair of underpants when walking down the street.
However, she didn't tell me the protocol for doing a dump in my clean underpants, whilst having no available clean ones!!!

Do you fashion some underwear from Toilet paper, like you've Mummy-fied your meat & veg???
or
Do you just whip all the lower clothing off & continue your day naked from the waist down?

The Beauty of Birth

The Birth of a child is said to be one of the greatest & most beautiful things to witness on this earth.. To be fair, it must be pretty special when a baby is brought into this world.. That wondrous awe inspiring feat of birth, to see the top of a little humans head, almost ready to pop out completely... Just a few more pushes to cement that beauty of life.. Which unfortunately is accompanied by your other half inadvertently squeezing out a pretty sizeable amount of poo, which if not prepared for, can really make a mess of a cream carpet!! I personally, would have a bag on hand, to catch it.. or just but a bucket underneath.. >> mimin <<

The Sweep Procedure

They really don't give this procedure any credit, by calling it The Sweep.. It sounds like a light dusting of the vagina area.. When basically, it's brutal... Watching a Mid-wife, basically fist your dearly beloved in the middle of your living room, whilst you dunk soldiers into Chucky Eggs!!.. But only, the midwife, is not the Nurse you see in your wet-dreams & the view you get is like watching someone trying to crawl inside!! I tell you what it's like.. its like.. an extreme form of human puppeteering!! It's one of those things your brain forces you to watch, no matter how hard you try not to... even with the gag reflex, trying to bring back the egg, you can't help to keep looking... mimc sick..gagging... ''oh.. wow.. she's never let me do that.. not even got past 2 fingers!!'' but in come Sharon, with her white dress & ID badge.. not even offered foreplay, just lets her go straight up there!! She's like a Vietnamese down a hole!! ** oohhh.. that's why so many are Mid-wifes...!! ** like back in Vietnam war.. great at borrowing holes!! The most astonishing part is when the Mid-wife brings her other hand out from behind her , which has a Puppet dressed like a Doctor on it & starts acting out a scene from ER!! Puppeteering my wife as she does it!! Mimic... >> a dramatic part << * it bought my to tears... was such a moving piece.. She's wasted in the NHS.. should really go work private with those sorts of skills *

The stages of love

ENERGETIC Hello!! >> mimic microphone over to audience whilst putting bottle down or similar << Don't worry, I am a Comedian, your probably looking at the shirt/top, hair etc.... and thinking... oh it's a >> weird combo << ((i.e, A French, man/boy baker!!)) fucking hell >> shock << ** french voice -- your crossaint is ready!! ** Good!! So.. err.. nice to be here.. I'm a 'Wiltshire' person.. Any Wiltshire people in?? ** low response = good, right.. thats a good start.. >>accent<< '' no we didnt invite any & to be honest, we didn't know you'd be on you Tractor driving Monkey... Now heres Thre'pence.. fucking dance for me!! '' ** big response = excellent... what areas we from..... ** >lead< Thats why I'm nervous.. You might think I'm nervous coz i'm on stage.. I'm nervous, because that's how I grew up.. I grew up in the country... So I always like to begin with asking to/as...** ** helps to know how many other inbred fuckwits there might be in the crowd ** ** I'm nervous, coz thats how we grow up in the country.. you never know when a bull might try to jump you.. or a Farmer mistakes you for his sheep!! ** Who's in a couple here? put your hands up... >> single out couple/lady looking blankly << You, yea, right.. see when you met her, it was probably at a nice pub or club, maybe through a crowded Waitrose/other.. somthing like that??. Although the way she/he's looking at me blanky... >accent< ''she's going: I don't know, he just say if I smile, he promise me passport. No, I mean.. come on look at your face, look at her face.. 'Somethings going on'. See thing is.. Wiltshire/other girls are totally different.. These days, they chat you up.. that's what make you nervous.. If you've ever been to xxxxx... You see the hoarding groups of hairy/other xxxx women (mimic)... just going around... their like slaggy Hyenas.. Just paroosing the place... looking for food & cock!! thats all we're after.. You see the ones.. you know.. the boob-tube onesie, heels & eyelashes so big, it makes you wonder how overgrown their growler is!!!!??? If they bend over, it looks like black moldy ham!! .. what... deal with it.. its happened.. you can't take it back.. right... Now.. this is the thing.. when a normal womens around & a man goes to chat her up.. he's thinks.. there she is.. I hope she likes me.. dont say anything stupid.. say something.. clever.. or funny.. or both.. something intelligent.. i can feel my heart skip.. oh i'm feeling a lil nervous.. maybe she'll like me.. but maybe she doesnt.. And then, when you get there.. you go:: Alright... !! Not even in a questionable tone!! Just mono-tone... *like your at the bus-stop when awkwardly catch the eye of the other person also waiting for the bus & linger just too long, you have to engage in verbal acknowledgement!! ''alright'' But when one of these XXXX women chats you up.. I show you my friend (pick someone & point at them) What'll happen is.. a 16 women, in a size 10 boob-tube... right.. will come up to you.. right... Are you prepared for this.. This is out of the XXX ladies mating manual 2012... She'll come up to you a go... ((cue silly act)) ** maybe drunk, sick, itch fanny & tit.. ** ' * 'you!! OI... I said you!! >pointingswayingsick< * your coming home wiv me! then she'll stare at ya. (awkward, long, swaying/sick)... bends over, trying to be alluring.. but sick down her leg... raise her eyebrow & before you can move, she flashes her fanny to stun you... punches you in the face, throws over her shoulder & takes you home!! ** Thats just how it happens.. it is.. don;t say I didnt warn ya!!! You darn't believe your eyes in XXXXX... just streets full of Kebab stalls with these women stuffing Jalepinos up there growlers to loosen up before they find some cock!! Soooo... I'm here to talk to you about the beauty of true love..... tonight... ... Who's in love... quick show of hands... Perfect... my favourite reaction.... 'Women whoooops, looks at man, stamps on foot reaction there... >> mimic her hand up... >> ey' get your fucking hand up!! you will love me.. you will.. I am your world... Thats the thing though.. Love isn't a constant thing.. It's up & down.... It is.. when your first together... As a man, you gaze at your women sleeping... shes an angel, the most adorable thing in the world.. even if she lets out a fart.. it smells like a gust of Fabreeze.. Its true.. men do it.. with true love in their hearts.. just looking at her, going: ''arhh look at her, shes like a cute little bunny rabbit all snuggled up & hybernating... shhh.. if you listen quietly, you can hear her breathing..'' >> massive fart!!! <<< Gag reflex!! Thats fucking Breezy alright.. Jesus.. GAG REPLFEX.. open window!! Wooow.. damn.. I think your Fabreeze gas canisters ran out luv'!! thats hummin!! You, creep to the window, as quickly as poss'... open it.. & as soon as you do... >bomb, she knows.. Like a fucking 6th sense!! ''*fiancee = close the window its cold!!''* COLD!! you just let off a Thermo-nuclear bomb under those sheets!! The beds gunna be radio-active for the next 30 to 40 years!! You could put a Gingters under there & it'd be cooked in 3 minutes or less!! I been with my Fiancee/wife.. 7 years now.. I don't mind admitting it... I still look at her in the morning... just watching her sleep... Admittedly, I've upgrading to a Gas Mask.. I'm romantic, not stupid!! But still, I look at her & think.. Look at her... still breathing!!! It's not coz I don't love her... I do really, I'm just joking around... ((*whisper* pssst.. I have to say that, or she'll chop my nuts off!! and I dunno about you... but.. I like my nuts... so... shhh..)) No... seriously.. I do love her to bits.. in fact we're trying to start a family.. You know, a little baby!!! But it's so hard to choose... .. I mean.. there's always such a variety at the hospital.... (mimic looking around the new babies.. what about this one.. photo... no.. don't think brown suits you!!)).. But, you know.. Love.. it changes.. you go through all these stages.... You know all those things you go through when you first meet.. all those nice things.. it all goes.. but to be fair, theres some great things, like when you get to the I love yous... The first kis.. ahhh.. you remeber the kiss.. what a monumental moment that is.. Women are like.. ''here it comes.. the kiss, i'm not a slag, just a bit of toungue, maybe if he's good, I'll let him slip a cheeky finger up my knickers!!.'' Guys, totally different.. blokes just going in like.. ''down boy, down boy, down boy, down boy,... think of me Nan.. Nan, Nan, Nan, naked Nan.. errrr, too much Nan.. down boy!! down boy!!..'' but then out of nowhere, you bum sends a signal to your brain to announce the arrival of wind... bum:: (english pilots voice) ''err bum, to brain.. over..'' Brain:: (another voice) ''recieving over'' bum:: (theres some turbulance on it way... not sure I can avoid it over) Brain:: (err.. thats a negative... avoid the turbulance.. over) bum:: (really not sure thats possible old chap.. over) ** Now your going... ahh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... dont fart, dont fart.. brain:: (how bad is it over) bum:: (hard to tell.. have a feeling it could be pretty bad..) brain:: (can we deal with it slowly, in little outbursts? over) bum: (I'll do what I can over).. **oh no.. be silent.. be silent....** bum:: ((bum to brain over - thats it all done.. any residual damage.. over)) Brain:: ((nothing detected yet.. oh.. wait!! oh dear, it's bad, very bad..) ** oh shit oh shit... move legs brain... get us away from here... Brain:: (i'm trying sir, but its too strong...) ** Oh god, it's following us!! ** she's going to taste it in her mouth!!! But Penis isn't deterred at this point... Penis:: (penis to brain... I have cargo ready for urgent deployment over!!) ** oh god no!!! back in the stink.. back in the stink.. I'd rather she smell my shit that find out i've spunked in my pants!! But, don't worry.. any of you yet to go through this...don't be scared.. It all changed... eventually, you'll be able to make love & fart.. it just won't matter, coz you'll be so used to the smell, you won't even notice... In fact, loud ones, usually pass as orgasm!! Thing is, at some point, your gunna have to propose... But you have to do it the right way...There so many ways.. just make sure your doing it for the right reasons.. These days the most popular is when the girl comes up to you and goes, I'm pregnant! I proposed to my fiancee/wife at Disneyland Florida.. It was at night, when the fire works were going off in the background.. fucking check me out.. how awesome am I!! Yeah.. actually We were on the Ferry, going accross the lake.. the fireworks shimmering off the dark waters, with the Ferrys dimmed lights.. I tell, ya, if your gunna do it man.. Do it there... on the boat.. Not only is it really romantic & magical... But when you think about.. if the bitch says no, you can just push her off the boat.. too easy... Just pick a secluded part of the ship.. Give her an elbow to the face as you do it, knock her out, so she doesn't make noise. ''not that I thought about it!! heeheee.. >nervous laugh...< If anyone asks what that big splashing noise it, just tell them you have an all you can eat Steak at lunch... Had to do an Emergancy poo off the side.. No-ones gunna look down there after that!! She just magically dissapears... maybe washing to shore like Jason Borne... Ends up working at Disneyland for the rest of her life!!! Thats probably where all the old people who work there have come from... Failed proposals!!

Ambitious Statement....

Slightly Ambitius & Sweeping statement there... Not sure Cancer & AIDS victims would totally agree... Ones starts from inside, the other starts from something being inside you!!! Nasty...

Wrinkles, Mans new enemy!!

Me man! Me rub expensive, Jizz-like substance on Face!!
Kill wrinkle... Give man silky skin...
Like rubbing baby bottom..
Not in Peido way..
Me CRB check clear..

You know, the Ironic thing about buying products to reduce wrinkles...??
You get so caught up in the fight against aging, that you end up finding way more wrinkles, when checking to see if the wonder cremes are working!!
Yet that little voice in your head says: but it might be working...

Also, if you get a big pot of it & dunk your ball-sack in it daily, would it make them look silky smooth..
Or at least, less like you had a Turkey's neck attached to replace your original sack, after a horrible accident involving a Dyson Turbine Head!!
Having mistaken it's intention due to words... Turbine... Head...

In a recent poll, the majority claimed that Dyson not as sensual as a Henry!!
Good old Henry! Does it with a smile!!
And he keeps eye contact!!
That's right Henry, look up at me too, you know you love it...!!

But Dysons outrageous claim:
"No loss of suction"
is clearly too alluring for any teenage man... In fact, any man for that matter!!"

Baby gifts

A friend of mine, just had a baby boy...
So I went online to look for a gift...
Found the great website:
NotOnTheHighStreet
Whilst looking at all the personalised gifts available, it came down to two things..
A letter train (speeling his name)
or
A sail boat with his name & d.o.b...

Usually I'd flip a coin, but in this instance it occured to me, that one of thw items could be seen as slightly racist?!
With my friend being of Middle East origin, the possible racist innuendo made my decision easier to make, I thought::

" I can't go giving them a boat... I may as well join the BMP, make a banner that says something like; get back on the boat & go home, then burn Jelly Babies coz they're a simbol of multiculturalism!!"

So, I got the train....